Sun & Moon: Chapter Twelve

Gathering her feet near her chest, she stayed still and in pain. Why was she doing this? Why does she always have to succumb to the throbbing in her heart? She felt ashamed, that she never wanted anything so much than to drown in his arms and love. Her tears started crawling down her cheeks as she saw him trying to explain everything. Walking in circles with his arms expressing what he couldn’t express in words. His eyes filled with tears as his agony was put in plain words.  But you could see that he was happy and his teary eyes were sparkling with certainty that she would forgive him like she always did. She would forgive him when he texted other girls, she would forgive him like the day he used her as a punching bag, she would forgive him like always when he threw hurtful remarks on how unstylish, fat and a bag of scum she was. She would forgive him like she did when he forced himself on her and took what was the most precious possession to her; her innocence and honor. She would forgive like when he later accused her on how she would never bring reputation to her family for giving in to his love and satisfying his desire.  He was sure she would forgive and forget like she always did.  He knew she was fragile and that’s why he loved her. He knew he had a controlling grip over her, which would never allow her to forget and move on from him. She just sat there drowning in her tears not understanding why she let him in or why she welcomed him in her gleaming spotless clean cozy place she now called home. She couldn’t get how she allowed him to sit and move about tarnishing every single thing that had no memory of him. She blamed herself that a single touch from him erased all of her fragile strength she tried so hard to build. He was everything she needed and more, she missed his scent, his voice, his complexion. She missed his conversations, screams and yells. He was a part of her she couldn’t extract from her soul.

‘So this is what happened’ he ended his long excuses and reasoning of why he left her. ‘Do you forgive me?’ he said as he knelt down to cup her crying face.  ‘I promise I’ll change. I’ll never hurt you again’ he said what he always repeatedly promised and told her. Sanaa couldn’t help but collapse and call out for him in her utmost weak delicate state. She called out for him in a tired desperate voice ‘Hassan’. He reached out for her hand and held it tight and said ‘I’m here, I won’t go anywhere, I’ll never leave you’ he told her as he took her into his arms. Sanaa closed her eyes, resting her tired frame and head on his warm chest. Drawing his arms close he felt a giant weight lifted off his shoulders. He was content but it felt different. This time he vowed not to hurt her anymore. He is a changed man and would live every single day proving it to her. He is no longer Hassan the heartbreaker; he is now Hassan the loving and caring companion. ‘I’ll show you that I’m different. You’ll see my love, my heart, my darling’ he said as he hugged her tight. ‘Gosh how much I’ve missed you’ he breathed in her oud scent that always drove him crazy, he felt he was back home; in her arms and warmth. Sanaa enjoyed the sound of his voice as she smiled.

She woke up finding herself in her bed; she still was in last night’s clothes. The tissue paper and her phone lay right beside her pillow. Looking at the tissue paper, she smiled as she stretched. She started planning her outfit to the Coldplay concert in her head; acid washed Diesel jeans, a basic white Topshop t-shirt, and a cool tailored black blazer jacket. But the shoes was the problem, she couldn’t wear any heels since it’ll be too long of a day. ‘What shoes would go perfect?’ she asked herself as she crawled from her bed to see what was underneath her small tiny bed. The stash of different shoes was organized skillfully at that spot. Looking around she started surveying the shoes; she had to come to a decision. ‘Black converse, yes’ she shrieked in excitement as she pulled them out only for them to unveil what was hidden behind them; those dreadful pair that got her memory flashing right in front of her eyes.  The pair of green Swarovski studded heels which reminded her of what happened years ago.

It was a crisp summer morning as she gracefully walked into her mother’s room. A sense of calm always overcame her as she was near her mother. A hint of panic and stress she could note on her mother’s face, who hurriedly started packing all the necessary things she would need for the night. Rushing in and out of her changing room, Sanaa wanted to calm her mother down. Sanaa was even way more nervous and anxious; she simply needed what would keep her heart in place and not throbbing in alarm. Holding her mother’s hands ‘Mama everything will be okay’ she told her trying to ease her mother and herself in the process. ‘7abibti’ her mother hugged her tight as she started to tear. It was the day any mother dreaded, the day her eldest daughter bids farewell to the house that protected her, cherished her and sheltered her from all bad and evil. It was the day where she will remain as a guest of the house and not a tenant. Exhaling a sad breath, she hugged her mother back tight. Mixed feelings of delight and sorrow was drowning her being. ‘I’ll miss you’ her mother whispered as she kissed her forehead.

‘Yallah we are getting late’ her aunt rushed in the room urging them to pack up everything to head to the beauty parlor. Her aunt carried all the necessary suitcases of clothes, shoes, and undergarments. ‘Yallah’ she gestured to Sanaa’s mother to finish off.  ‘Inzain inzain’ she said kissing her daughter’s cheeks as she went through the checklist of what would be missing.

Sanaa was nervous, scared and uneasy as she sat at the black leather hairdresser’s chair. The sound of the blow-dryer hid her screaming thoughts in her head. With a tug and pull, a burn here and there, some mistakenly hurtful pins inserted, her hair beautifully sat over her shoulder in a 60s inspired Amy Winehouse look. The beautiful streaks of blonde against her coffee brown colored hair highlighted her gorgeous features. She looked at herself in the mirror and smiled, the lemon green Balushi outfit she wore looked incredible. It brought a certain glow to her already radiating face. The beautiful red, maroon and dark green sequences and small mirrors looked astounding on the emerald lime fabric, giving it more detail. A tap on her shoulder and squeeze got her to turn around. Her mother stood in front of her in a beautiful royal blue jalabiya. She looked astonishing with her big rounded eyes, which Sanaa inherited, in a dusky smoky eyes look and a beautiful shade of bubble gum lipstick complimented her rosy chubby cheeks.  Sanaa looked at her mother in awe, she never used to be the type that put on makeup but when she did, she would look breathtaking. Sanaa looked at her mother in admiration wondering if she’ll look as elegant when she grows older.  Reciting some verses of the Quran to expel any evil spirits and jealous envious eyes, Sanaa could see how tears started gathering in her mother’s eyes. ‘You know I’m not going anywhere’ she said comforting her mother’s worries. ‘I’ll always be here’ she reached out to the left side of her chest as she smiled. Her mother smiled a wide grin as she blessed her and gave her a final kiss on her forehead.

Phones started ringing in the tiny room, talk and chats overwhelmed Sanaa’s ears. She tried to overhear some of the conversations but could get a few phrases of what her aunt said to the other end of her handset.

’Okay’

‘La wallah’

‘He’s late’

‘It’s okay we’ll carry on with music’

‘We can’t wait any longer its 9pm’

Sanaa started to panic asking what’s wrong. ‘La la nothing sweetheart, it’s just the driver is late’ her aunt assured her, but the looks she started getting were weird and pitiful. ‘WHAT’S WRONG?’ she screamed this time demanding the truth. ‘I told you nothing’ her aunt tried keeping her calm ‘This is all nerves, just relax and everything will be fine’. Sanaa nodded her head and decided to dismiss all her worrying thoughts. She felt her stomach turn over and over; it was as if she was in a rollercoaster ride. She began to breathe to relax herself but her hands began to shake. Sanaa became tense, edgy and nervous just like any other bride would be.

Hours Later…

Snivels and sniffs echoed against the walls. It was dull and not what you would expect hours after a wedding took place. It was dark and gloomy. She hated what was around her. She hated her life at that moment. She sat over the cold tiles with the curtains drawn wide open. It was just her and the night. Still in her beautiful green dress and beautifully embroidered trousers, her lovely henna designs and perfect manicured hands and feet, she sat facing her giant window. Her makeup was nothing as the flawless, simple and earthy like it used to be, her hair didn’t look anything close to her beehive retro inspired style, and her coral and white flowers were nothing but stems. She sat in a pool of plucked flowers and crumpled napkins. The eyeliner that once used to be in her face was smudged and running all over her face, her hair seemed like she took part in a scary movie, she was crying out all the pain and hurt she felt. Her hands were shaking in fright of what just happened. The full moon was once her favorite sight but now the light shining down was just reflecting how depressing the evening’s events turned out to be. Reaching out to her phone, she tried calling once more. ‘The number you are calling is out of reach please try later’. She cried once more as she hung up and clicked on her messages. She tried to clear her head on the happenings of the night. Pressing the inbox icon, she clicked on the first message from him. To her fear it was true, what occurred was exactly what went on. She threw her phone away, trying to erase what he wrote from her head, essence and heart.

‘I’m sorry Sanaa, I Love You but I can’t do this. I can’t be with you. Inti 6ale8. Your divorce papers will reach you tomorrow’

Putting out those lime green heels, she felt her entire being fall into the pit of her stomach. She remembered the constant number of times she tried to contact him but for him to vanish into thin air with no response. She had to face the suspicious looks from everyone around her; the name calling and the talking behind her back. It was looked down upon to get divorced too early but even worse was to get divorced on your wedding night without any explanation to those around. She remembered how long it took for her to move out of bed after what happened. She remembered how she later heard that Hassan went ahead to marry a cousin of his in Sur. She remembered how she got a letter from him right after his marriage expressing how sorry he was and explaining that the reason he divorced her was because she no longer was pure and innocent. She remembered how she vowed not to get married because of him. But then, a clinking of keys awoke her to what was reality. The door opened and it was Hassan walking in with a bag of cinnamon rolls, sandwiches and cups of coffee. Sanaa realized that the day before was real and not part of her fantasy and weird nightmares. Her biggest fear came true; she submitted to the past which came back to haunt her.