Sun & Moon: Chapter Fifteen

Magnificent open space it was. The large spectacular white pale Viva La Vida graffiti like design against the dark red background was placed tactically at the back of the arena podium. All the equipment you could see was placed in an orderly tidy fashion. The typical order of drums at the back, the bass and electric guitar to the left and center, the grand piano to the right and all the other gritty details was impeccable. The multi colored rainbow lighting seemed to invite more crowds to join the open venue concert. Sanaa was mesmerized as she saw the number of crowds making their way in. She felt the butterflies fluttering in her stomach as she realized was up front and center. She felt a happy fretfulness as she established that in a few minutes, her eyes would meet with Jonny Buckland, Will Champion, Guy Berryman and her idol; the front lead Chris Martin. She was excited as she jumped in, delight and joy, up and down. Bastiaan taken with her surprise movements followed in and jumped with her ‘Wohooo COLDPLAY’ he shouted it out for it to be welcomed with applause. Sanaa snorted out laughing; her casual not heard every day laugh. She shocked herself for a moment as she grunted and continued laughing she knew there was no other way to describe her sentiment. She chose to embrace what the ivory sign in front of her said; Viva La Vida, to live life. She was letting loose, allowing Bastiaan to see her for who she really was; without any hidden buried past, veiled laughs and secret cries. This was Sanaa all bare and willing to share.  Bastiaan chuckled finding her snort endearing and adorable. ‘WOHOOO’ she screamed as she clapped the hardest she could. ‘OMG I can’t believe I’m here’ she heard him echo her screams as the band took centre stage settling in and adorning their instruments. Excited and hyper, Sanaa paused for a moment as she felt her heart beat drumming to the soft test beats. She stopped moving and looked around her. For the first time, she felt part of a greater picture; she smiled as she appreciated the one beside her, the weather and the entire atmosphere and ambiance around her.

Hours Later…

Hands were in the air, people were singing along, couples held hands and put their arms around each other; everyone swayed to the music. The atmosphere was electrifying as the organ began playing the notes to ‘Lost!’. He could see how genuinely happy she was leaving all her worries behind. Her hands moving to the beat as she giggled from happiness. It was her very first concert and it proved that it would be an unforgettable one.

Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt

The lyrics were speaking to her, it was striking a chord. She was lost; she was getting herself to how she once upon a time was, the old vulnerable weak Sanaa. Would those spine-chilling feelings creep back and linger even more? Would she be stronger and fight or just grow weaker? She zoned out as she drowned in her own thoughts, questioning those dreadful What If questions in her head. She knew she had to; things would never be the same again.

He noticed how, with the song coming towards the end, she grew more quiet, passive and stiff. He felt her thoughts cramming her head. He knew what it would do to her if she continues letting herself wonder on the unimaginable. He long ago went through the same turmoil. He remembered how he let his life slip from his hands and fall into the control of what his emotions told him to. He recalled the sleepless lonely nights he faced as he tried to overcome and overturn his life to a more fruitful one.  The tempo changed and so did the audience’s excitement.

There ghost towns in the ocean singing la la la

The electric guitar started playing in harmony with the drum and bass, Bastiaan felt uplifted and began to set free, singing and turning in circles. The vibe was thrilling, emotional and exciting. He looked at the sky above as he was bewildered with the beauty of the night sky; grey clouds hovering covering the moonlight, the rays of the spotlights from the podium made its way mixing in a blend of gripping colors. It was so amazing; he felt he had to share. Poking Sanaa he pointed to the sky and told her loudly that she had to get enchanted with what’s up above. She glanced up above and the mystifying sky made her grin widely. ‘It’s beautiful’ she said it but in a forced manner. He came even closer to her as he put his arm around her bringing her to closer to him. He turned to look into her bright eyes and whispered the words that made him conquer all those fears he once had. He was positive it would do the same affect to her. ‘I've been beaten, hurt, and lost, but I'm not defeated. I'm not all gone’ he said it loudly into her ear.  It was the warm blanket she needed, the plaster on a wounded finger, the tweezers to a splinter and the comfort food to a sad heart. His words were exactly what she had to hear. She had to move on and throw away her worries. She had to learn and grow into what was more colorful and vivid.  She breathed out a sigh of relief as she rested her forehead against his and repeated it loudly; their voices meeting each other’s ears. ‘I've been beaten, hurt, and lost, but I'm not defeated. I'm not all gone’. She repeated it once more as her voice went a pitch higher ‘I've been beaten, hurt, and lost, but I'm not defeated. I'm not all gone’. She exhaled as a sense of release carried her away along with a familiar tune. Growing more eager, she turned her attention to the band in front of her as she started singing the song she couldn’t wait to hear.

I used to rule the world
Seas would rise when I gave the word

Viva La Vida was taking her to heights she never expected she could reach. She felt as strong as a king, as tall as a giant and as happy as a clam. Pumped, revived, appreciating life was a few of the emotions she sensed within. As the violins against the chorus began dramatically taking its place in the middle of the song, Sanaa took in the fresh exhilarating air as she sensed his warm hand reaching out to hers. He clenched her hand tight as his heart began to thump. He was nervous to make the first move. Sanaa stunned at his bold move couldn’t help but to have a bashful shy look as she looked into his deep storytelling eyes.  ‘Your hand was meant to be in mine’ he said it all in one go, afraid that he might stutter. She smiled as she looked down and kicking her feet against the hard surface. She scolded herself on how coy she was becoming as he pulled her hands so that her shoulder met his. 

Hours Later…

The audience became quiet as the tempo was slow. The last song of the night played as he gripped her hand tighter. He knew it was time. Clearing his throat, he heard Chris Martin sing the first verse of Death and All His Friends; the song he was waiting for, ever since he purchased the tickets. It was the grand finale and he had to end the evening right.

All winter, we got carried 
Oh way over on the rooftops, let's get married. 
All summer we just hurried 
so come over, just be patient, and don't worry.

He tried to speak but his nerves were overtaking his emotions. He cleared his throat and turned to face her. Sanaa sensed a tug and a sudden abrupt shift; he let go of her hand and she wondered why. She faced him and asked what’s wrong with using hand gestures. He smiled at her and she smiled back. The rhythm of the song was uplifting as the tempo increased. Sanaa was lost in the tunes, rhythm and music. She started to stomp her feet and abruptly started raising her hands like everyone around and signing along; lost in music once again.

No I don't wanna battle from beginning to end; 
I don't wanna cycle, or recycle revenge; 
I don't wanna follow death and all his friends. 

The song came to a halt and he couldn’t express what he wanted to say. He stood there without a word or sound. He then heard the phrase that pushed him to move, to speak, to make a sound, ‘Thank you all so much’, the concert was concluded as Coldplay’s band members gathered together for a final standing ovation and bidding thankful bow. Bastiaan couldn’t handle his dim-wittedness any longer. He tried to recall the long poem he tried to memorize for days only he couldn’t. He tried harder as his eyes were closed shut in distress. He tried to remember, half of it but couldn’t. He tried again but couldn’t even remember a word of phrase but for the word ‘Love’. He wished he buried himself on the spot; he was embarrassed with his on action, betrayed with his own memory, sad for what could have been. The applause was masking his panic. He tried to shout it out but she couldn’t hear him. She continued applauding and whistling out for her favorite band. She was glad and content with the fun she had; she was the happiest she was in a long time, and the idea of happiness wasn’t a daunting one anymore. Bastiaan felt his hands shiver and his lips parted to say those three words he feared would change everything between her and him. He couldn’t handle it anymore as he frantically pulled her by the arms and shouted out to her ‘I LOVE YOU’.

Sun & Moon: Chapter Fourteen

Life was attractively beautiful, the colors were awe-inspiring and out of this world. She smiled as she saw the jade green of the grass and the cerulean blue of the sky blend to produce a lovely colorful vibrant horizon. She felt alive and kicking, most of all she was breathing. The fields looked startling with the hints of golden yellow hay and emerald green meadows. Her eyes grew wider as she noted black and white cows; they were huge in comparison to those back home, nurtured in her family’s farm. The fast motion made her even more amazed at the beauty of God’s creation. But the rush came as she saw a blue and yellow swish in locomotion. She closed her eyes taking in the flood of emotion she felt. Looking around her, she noticed how fluffy and comfy the navy blue seats were in front of her, next to her and behind her. She felt elevated as the train, she was in, came to a stop; she never went through such a whirlwind of sensations before. Sanaa couldn’t help but fall victim to the charm this new dimension had to bring. Closing her eyes again to heighten the butterflies in her stomach as the train made its way in movement, she inhaled that familiar scent. His alluring charming masculine fragrance mixed with his aftershave. She opened her eyes looking to her side; a set of pearly whites met her glance, with a huge lens covering his eyes.  She felt a gush of affection and warmth flush her cheeks as she heard the sound of her black Nikon camera click. She looked at her knees avoiding the embarrassment she might cause to herself while enjoying the attention she was getting. He continued snapping pictures of her, hiding what his eyes would give away. Looking through the tiny peep hole, he was swept over by her beauty and presence; her tanned golden olive complexion, her fuchsia pink painted nails and her tranquil stare exhibiting her innocent charm.  He fixed his eye on her for a while as she smoothed her blazer from the fold marks and unwanted threads.  He was content with how everything turned out to be, but knowing the past which she shared with him, made him a bit apprehensive and concerned about her. He never wanted to hurt her like Hassan did. He never would want any harm to touch her or cause her pain. He smiled at her as she gathered the courage to pose and genuinely smile for him when he clicked the last picture.  She immediately snatched the camera from him to take a look at the pictures, she leant over and whispered to him ‘This is so cool’ as she showed him a picture of her seeming lost looking at the window.  ‘Thank You’ she said with the meaning and power those two words had. She was thankful that he was there for her, thankful that he never judged her like everyone who did back when she was home with her family and friends. Most importantly, she was thankful for being who he was; a blessing in disguise. ‘Thank You for everything’ she squeezed his arm and tried hiding her vulnerable self by gluing her face to the window beside her. She continued fantasizing of a magical world where times of yore didn’t have to be raw and distressing.  He nodded his head in acknowledgment and chuckled seeing her excitement of being on a train for the first time. Resting his eyes, he closed them wide shut; it was a long way to reach their destination; he needed to rejuvenate and feel refreshed.

He awoke from the screams and stomps he heard. Opening his eyes it was already night, he couldn’t believe how he slept for almost 24 hours. He sensed the commotion happening outside; the stomps, chats and yells. It was too loud to ignore. Bastiaan got up out of bed and headed towards the hallway to see what was going on. He noticed how almost every tenant was out of his room. ‘Fire alarm?’ he asked as it was always a habit that someone would sound the alarm, and being the heavy sleeper he was; it might have gone off but to deaf ears. ‘No man’ he got a response from his neighbor. ‘What’s wrong?’ he said as a police siren rang loud. ‘Pffft, that Arab girl and her problems’ he heard the phrase coming from the common room. Bastiaan feared for the worst as he hurriedly rushed to the staircase to Sanaa’s floor; she was the only Arab girl in their building. He hoped and prayed she was okay. A sudden outburst of tears wanted to make its way to his eyes as he saw paramedics rushing through. He felt his stomach turn with worry as he moved slowly; taking one step forward at a time. Bastiaan feared that he was going to face his worst fears. ‘Please let her be okay’ he prayed as he started biting his teeth nervously. Walking past the green and blue hallway, he saw the crowd of law enforcement personnel gathered along with all the Arabs living in the building. ‘La illah illa Allah’ one of the Saudi guys yelled as he shook his head in despair. Making his way through, Bastiaan closed his eyes praying for everything to be okay. Opening up his eyes, he saw blood drops on the floor. ‘Is this blood?’ he said faintly as he pushed his way into the room. He saw how the door was battered and damaged. He looked around as he saw Sanaa’s majlis area in a mess with the decorative shisha shattered into pieces. He started searching for Sanaa but couldn’t find her. ‘Sanaa?’ he called out for her ignoring the police who tried to move him out of the room. ‘SANAA’ he cried out for her name in grief. ‘Bastiaan?’ his ears were pierced with her voice and his heart got fuelled as he exhaled feeling immediate relief. He turned around in hopes of finding her but couldn’t figure out where her voice came from. Everyone remained quiet as they heard Sanaa’s sobbing sounds. ‘I’m here, where are you?’ he said as he started looking around frantically for the source of the voice. ‘I can’t’ Sanaa said in a muffled voice. ‘Why?’ he was gestured to continue talking with those around. ‘I just can’t’ she said for him to figure out where she was. Sliding the door of the bathroom, he saw her on the white pasty ground, her hands on her face, hiding next to the toilet seat. ‘There I found you’ he said quietly as he crawled and sat in front of her. ‘I’ll never leave you’ he said not even curious of what happened to her. All he knew was he had to protect her and save her from harm’s way, when he pulled her hands away from her face. He felt rage going through his veins as he saw the bruises on her heart shaped face; scarlet, crimson, and purple bruises were visible near her left eye, signs of struggle on her neck and bleeding across her hairline. His heart sank as he felt obliged to calm her cries and wipe her tears. ‘I am here and as long as I am, I promise you’ll be safe’ he said as he kissed her salty drenched in tears and red cherry wounded hands.

‘Hungry?’ Sanaa woke him as she smiled giving him a bag of stroopwafels. ‘Oh thank you’ he took the bag and began feasting on it with no hesitation. Even though, he wasn’t that hungry, Bastiaan could never say no to some sweet delights. They say the best way to a man’s heart is through his tummy and Bastiaan was no exception especially sugary temptations; his sweet tooth always won him over.  ‘I can’t wait for them to sing Viva La Vida’ Sanaa was as excited as a boy when given his very first set of miniature cars. He saw how her eyes sparkled at the thought of tonight with her heavily lined eyes and excessive makeup. He was amazed on how she managed to hide the truth behind how her face actually looked like with the yellowing of the bruises she had.   ‘You know I can’t wait for them to sing Death and All His Friend’ he said as he smiled back revealing the sticky caramel clinging on his teeth. ‘Really? I mean out of all the songs in the album? … You…’ she grew silent not wanting to sound mean, and deciding to settle for a simple smile instead. ‘How about we listen to music?’ she suggested to Bastiaan as she took out her earphones from her pocket. ‘You go ahead, I’ll just read for now’ he said as he showed her some philosophy book he had. ‘I hope she doesn’t find out’ he said to himself as he hid the handwritten A4 paper he held between his left index finger and the middle pages of the book; the written confession he had memorize. ‘Oh Lord please let it be perfect. It needs to sound right’ he said as he began learning by heart the first two sentences 

I swear, since seeing your face, 

The whole wolrd is fraud and fantasy

Staring at Bastiaan who seemed to be in a different world not paying her any attention as he avidly read, she shrugged her shoulders and enjoyed the landscape Mother Nature had to offer. Plugging her sky blue earphones and pressing play, the melody sang a lullaby to her healing soul and played with the strings of her heart. The clouds seemed as fluffy as the chair she was seated in. The red bricked houses were the perfect addition to the green of the field, blue of the sky and the spotless white of the downy clouds. Violet Hill of Coldplay was playing in her ears, the violent guitar strings mixed with the bass, the beat of the drums and Chris Martin’s voice made her drown in what was.

I took my love down to Violet Hill

There we sat in the snow

All that time she was silent still

So If you love won’t let me know

If you love me why’d you let me go?

The chorus struck a chord in her as she rolled her eyes sarcastically. It was ironic how Coldplay was playing in the background and all she could get her head into thinking was how Hassan was. Were his eyes recovering from the cooking spray she used? Was he recovering from the knife she pushed into his right leg? Was he okay? Was he better? Is he back home?

She tried to remove the sense of guilt and detach it from wherever it was clinging on her, but couldn’t. ‘He has done this to you for so many times’ she told herself. ‘He deserves DEATH’ she still felt the panic when he was trying to choke her, felt the anger when she chose to teach him a lesson instead. She felt the serenity when she finally was reborn to a brand new Sanaa. She smirked in content and looked over to Bastiaan engrossed into his book, ‘Now doesn’t he deserve a chance?’ she said enjoying how focused he was reading his philosophy book.

Sun & Moon: Chapter Thirteen

He was excited, unable to comprehend or grasp the idea that she hugged him. He drowned himself in happy thoughts of him and her. How their lives will change after he comes clean with everything. Counting down the days in his head, he couldn’t imagine as he lay in bed. He decided to have a lazy day and imagine she was the pillow next to him as he hugged it in a tight embrace. ‘Soon enough’ he said to himself smiling as he looked at how much of a cleaner place his room has become because of her. He smirked and decided to continue his sleep with warming thoughts of their future.

‘Good morning ya 3asal’ he called out for her. She didn’t know if she was supposed to smile or laugh or just pull off a straight face. All the memories and feelings were gushing into her soul and didn’t know of whether she was to translate it into happiness, anger or sadness. He came closer to her as he brushed her hair away from her face and pinched her cheeks. ‘So how was your morning love?’ he asked as she got intoxicated with his presence. She felt her knees grow weak as she lost the grip of the shoes she had in her hand. She remained frozen still as he played with her hair waiting for her response. He started closing the space lingering between the two of them as their bodies touched. Sanaa felt goose bumps as she shuddered glaring into his eyes. Her heart was melting at every touch and advance he made. His warm breath was now against her cold dry skin. His fingers trailing the features of her ear and cheeks, she was helpless like a homeless person with nowhere to go. Her mind was in tumultuous struggle with her heart.  Resting her forehead against his, they were face to face. Closing her eyes, Sanaa imagined Bastiaan taking his place. She imagined how wonderful of a love he would share with her. She closed her eyes tight as she fought her inner self.  She looked away breaking the physical connection Hassan and her were having. She decided to look down at her feet, to calm herself down before she made a foolish move.  She looked at her claret painted toe nails, and the memory of her salty tears dropping and wetting her feet she recalled. The gutted feeling when those feet had to take the walk of shame after informing her father the truth. The cuts and bruises she exposed herself to when she took long walks at the beach to clear her head from the turmoil she felt inside. Sanaa was too composed for Hassan’s liking. ‘7abibti 7ayati I Love You’ he confessed it from the bottom of his heart. But she wasn’t moved, Sanaa remained cool, calm and collected; she seemed lifeless for a moment. Until a warm sensation overcame him, he felt a sharp pain on his face. Glancing over to Sanaa, he saw the anger on her face. He then realized it was a slap from her that gave out such excruciating numbing pain. ‘SIT DOWN’ Sanaa screamed at the top of her lungs commanding him to sit on the floor. ‘C’mon hun I Love You, doesn’t that mean anything’ Hassan tried to talk his way out of her temper. But Sanaa felt nothing but a growing anger for taking what he did lightly. Sanaa was no longer the puppy who would come running to its owner.  She was different, stronger and much more assertive. ‘SHUT UP AND SIT’ she gestured firmly to the seating area next to her. 

It was getting darker, dimmer and bleak. The air wasn’t filled with warmth anymore, it was cold and bitter. The blue flooring in her room seemed black; the walls didn’t seem engaging and inviting but seemed scary and daunting. The atmosphere of the room was intimidating for Hassan who never expected things to turn the way it had. He had always kept in mind that she would always be welcoming with her warm embrace and magical smile. He never thought this through when he decided to fly over and confess he will always have feelings for her. His life wasn’t the same anymore; it wasn’t the same without her. He had lost everything he cared for because of his betraying egotistic attitude; he lost his wife, his son and most of all the respect of everyone around him. He needed her to forgive him; he now realized who cherished his love truly. He wanted her back in his life. Sanaa remained quiet unable to open her mouth to talk about what she hated the most; his infidelity, his abandonment or his return. Opening her lips to speak, she noticed how Hassan never changed; he looked the same way he did when they first met, six years ago, while she already had white hairs, slight wrinkling near her eyes and a better self esteem. She exhaled her worries and began to speak.

‘Remember these shoes? I’m sure you don’t. But I remember them, they were the shoes I had carefully picked out months ahead for what was supposed to be the happiest day in my life. You might wonder why I have them but they were the waking reminder of something I vowed that won’t happen to me again. I won’t play the strong lady card and say I wasn’t hurt. I was hurt more than once by you and your selfish acts. ‘

Hassan tried to explain to Sanaa how he has done the biggest mistake of his life only for Sanaa to give him a firm aggressive look ‘I will tell you when to speak’ she told him as she continued.

‘I have waited so long for this day to come, the day when I will confront you with everything you did to me. And now this day is here, and I have nothing to say to you but this; I loathe the day I ever met you’ she paused as she breathed in and dug deep down to expose what has worked on concealing all these years.

‘There’s nothing left for me to give, you no longer complete me. You no longer matter to me; you no longer are a part of my life. It’s over, over, OVER’ she shouted it out for her brain to register that she now has closure.

She felt disgusted as she looked at him when he still had a sly smile on his face. ‘Now leave’ she demanded of him. I don’t need to hear what you have to say, just leave she pushed him as he tried to explain himself. ‘No I won’t leave’ he held the side of her arms. ‘Not until you listen to me’ he told her as he pushed her to the floor. ‘You will LEAVE’ Sanaa stood up to him. ‘You disgust me’ she said it out loud as he froze at her remark. ’To the door’ she pointed to the white wooden heavy exit as he grew in shock of how changed Sanaa was. Unlocking the door for him, she kicked him out her apartment and threw away the food and coffee he had to his face. ‘Goodbye forever’ she spit on him as she forced herself to unleash the hidden feelings she had. Shutting the door behind her and locking it, a sudden outburst of laughter overcame her as she leaned on the door until a large bang sent her shockwaves that it wasn’t over.

‘You think it’s that EASY?’ he banged on the door and yelled at the top of his lungs. The feeling of happiness in herself started being replaced with apprehension. ‘HOW DARE YOU?’ he banged even harder that the door shook as she started shivering fearing for her life. Sanaa walked away from the door scared. Hassan began frantically banging and knocking the door as she crawled away. She remembered her haunting nightmares and how the dreadful feelings started to overcome the joy she felt. She remembered the evening years ago when she sat in a car with him. The constant fear she had following her like a shadow, when she told him he wasn’t being romantic enough, the sly smile that followed as he battered her head against the side window of the passenger’s seat, and the hours after the incident when she tried hiding her bruises with foundation before she headed home. That terror and fright crushed the confidence she just had a few minutes ago when she felt invincible for doing something she never did before; facing her past.  Hurriedly crawling to the other side of the room, she reached out for her phone.  With the banging and screams of Hassan getting louder, she closed her eyes praying that the ringing would end up with someone replying.

‘Hello. Help me please’

Sun & Moon: Chapter Twelve

Gathering her feet near her chest, she stayed still and in pain. Why was she doing this? Why does she always have to succumb to the throbbing in her heart? She felt ashamed, that she never wanted anything so much than to drown in his arms and love. Her tears started crawling down her cheeks as she saw him trying to explain everything. Walking in circles with his arms expressing what he couldn’t express in words. His eyes filled with tears as his agony was put in plain words.  But you could see that he was happy and his teary eyes were sparkling with certainty that she would forgive him like she always did. She would forgive him when he texted other girls, she would forgive him like the day he used her as a punching bag, she would forgive him like always when he threw hurtful remarks on how unstylish, fat and a bag of scum she was. She would forgive him like she did when he forced himself on her and took what was the most precious possession to her; her innocence and honor. She would forgive like when he later accused her on how she would never bring reputation to her family for giving in to his love and satisfying his desire.  He was sure she would forgive and forget like she always did.  He knew she was fragile and that’s why he loved her. He knew he had a controlling grip over her, which would never allow her to forget and move on from him. She just sat there drowning in her tears not understanding why she let him in or why she welcomed him in her gleaming spotless clean cozy place she now called home. She couldn’t get how she allowed him to sit and move about tarnishing every single thing that had no memory of him. She blamed herself that a single touch from him erased all of her fragile strength she tried so hard to build. He was everything she needed and more, she missed his scent, his voice, his complexion. She missed his conversations, screams and yells. He was a part of her she couldn’t extract from her soul.

‘So this is what happened’ he ended his long excuses and reasoning of why he left her. ‘Do you forgive me?’ he said as he knelt down to cup her crying face.  ‘I promise I’ll change. I’ll never hurt you again’ he said what he always repeatedly promised and told her. Sanaa couldn’t help but collapse and call out for him in her utmost weak delicate state. She called out for him in a tired desperate voice ‘Hassan’. He reached out for her hand and held it tight and said ‘I’m here, I won’t go anywhere, I’ll never leave you’ he told her as he took her into his arms. Sanaa closed her eyes, resting her tired frame and head on his warm chest. Drawing his arms close he felt a giant weight lifted off his shoulders. He was content but it felt different. This time he vowed not to hurt her anymore. He is a changed man and would live every single day proving it to her. He is no longer Hassan the heartbreaker; he is now Hassan the loving and caring companion. ‘I’ll show you that I’m different. You’ll see my love, my heart, my darling’ he said as he hugged her tight. ‘Gosh how much I’ve missed you’ he breathed in her oud scent that always drove him crazy, he felt he was back home; in her arms and warmth. Sanaa enjoyed the sound of his voice as she smiled.

She woke up finding herself in her bed; she still was in last night’s clothes. The tissue paper and her phone lay right beside her pillow. Looking at the tissue paper, she smiled as she stretched. She started planning her outfit to the Coldplay concert in her head; acid washed Diesel jeans, a basic white Topshop t-shirt, and a cool tailored black blazer jacket. But the shoes was the problem, she couldn’t wear any heels since it’ll be too long of a day. ‘What shoes would go perfect?’ she asked herself as she crawled from her bed to see what was underneath her small tiny bed. The stash of different shoes was organized skillfully at that spot. Looking around she started surveying the shoes; she had to come to a decision. ‘Black converse, yes’ she shrieked in excitement as she pulled them out only for them to unveil what was hidden behind them; those dreadful pair that got her memory flashing right in front of her eyes.  The pair of green Swarovski studded heels which reminded her of what happened years ago.

It was a crisp summer morning as she gracefully walked into her mother’s room. A sense of calm always overcame her as she was near her mother. A hint of panic and stress she could note on her mother’s face, who hurriedly started packing all the necessary things she would need for the night. Rushing in and out of her changing room, Sanaa wanted to calm her mother down. Sanaa was even way more nervous and anxious; she simply needed what would keep her heart in place and not throbbing in alarm. Holding her mother’s hands ‘Mama everything will be okay’ she told her trying to ease her mother and herself in the process. ‘7abibti’ her mother hugged her tight as she started to tear. It was the day any mother dreaded, the day her eldest daughter bids farewell to the house that protected her, cherished her and sheltered her from all bad and evil. It was the day where she will remain as a guest of the house and not a tenant. Exhaling a sad breath, she hugged her mother back tight. Mixed feelings of delight and sorrow was drowning her being. ‘I’ll miss you’ her mother whispered as she kissed her forehead.

‘Yallah we are getting late’ her aunt rushed in the room urging them to pack up everything to head to the beauty parlor. Her aunt carried all the necessary suitcases of clothes, shoes, and undergarments. ‘Yallah’ she gestured to Sanaa’s mother to finish off.  ‘Inzain inzain’ she said kissing her daughter’s cheeks as she went through the checklist of what would be missing.

Sanaa was nervous, scared and uneasy as she sat at the black leather hairdresser’s chair. The sound of the blow-dryer hid her screaming thoughts in her head. With a tug and pull, a burn here and there, some mistakenly hurtful pins inserted, her hair beautifully sat over her shoulder in a 60s inspired Amy Winehouse look. The beautiful streaks of blonde against her coffee brown colored hair highlighted her gorgeous features. She looked at herself in the mirror and smiled, the lemon green Balushi outfit she wore looked incredible. It brought a certain glow to her already radiating face. The beautiful red, maroon and dark green sequences and small mirrors looked astounding on the emerald lime fabric, giving it more detail. A tap on her shoulder and squeeze got her to turn around. Her mother stood in front of her in a beautiful royal blue jalabiya. She looked astonishing with her big rounded eyes, which Sanaa inherited, in a dusky smoky eyes look and a beautiful shade of bubble gum lipstick complimented her rosy chubby cheeks.  Sanaa looked at her mother in awe, she never used to be the type that put on makeup but when she did, she would look breathtaking. Sanaa looked at her mother in admiration wondering if she’ll look as elegant when she grows older.  Reciting some verses of the Quran to expel any evil spirits and jealous envious eyes, Sanaa could see how tears started gathering in her mother’s eyes. ‘You know I’m not going anywhere’ she said comforting her mother’s worries. ‘I’ll always be here’ she reached out to the left side of her chest as she smiled. Her mother smiled a wide grin as she blessed her and gave her a final kiss on her forehead.

Phones started ringing in the tiny room, talk and chats overwhelmed Sanaa’s ears. She tried to overhear some of the conversations but could get a few phrases of what her aunt said to the other end of her handset.

’Okay’

‘La wallah’

‘He’s late’

‘It’s okay we’ll carry on with music’

‘We can’t wait any longer its 9pm’

Sanaa started to panic asking what’s wrong. ‘La la nothing sweetheart, it’s just the driver is late’ her aunt assured her, but the looks she started getting were weird and pitiful. ‘WHAT’S WRONG?’ she screamed this time demanding the truth. ‘I told you nothing’ her aunt tried keeping her calm ‘This is all nerves, just relax and everything will be fine’. Sanaa nodded her head and decided to dismiss all her worrying thoughts. She felt her stomach turn over and over; it was as if she was in a rollercoaster ride. She began to breathe to relax herself but her hands began to shake. Sanaa became tense, edgy and nervous just like any other bride would be.

Hours Later…

Snivels and sniffs echoed against the walls. It was dull and not what you would expect hours after a wedding took place. It was dark and gloomy. She hated what was around her. She hated her life at that moment. She sat over the cold tiles with the curtains drawn wide open. It was just her and the night. Still in her beautiful green dress and beautifully embroidered trousers, her lovely henna designs and perfect manicured hands and feet, she sat facing her giant window. Her makeup was nothing as the flawless, simple and earthy like it used to be, her hair didn’t look anything close to her beehive retro inspired style, and her coral and white flowers were nothing but stems. She sat in a pool of plucked flowers and crumpled napkins. The eyeliner that once used to be in her face was smudged and running all over her face, her hair seemed like she took part in a scary movie, she was crying out all the pain and hurt she felt. Her hands were shaking in fright of what just happened. The full moon was once her favorite sight but now the light shining down was just reflecting how depressing the evening’s events turned out to be. Reaching out to her phone, she tried calling once more. ‘The number you are calling is out of reach please try later’. She cried once more as she hung up and clicked on her messages. She tried to clear her head on the happenings of the night. Pressing the inbox icon, she clicked on the first message from him. To her fear it was true, what occurred was exactly what went on. She threw her phone away, trying to erase what he wrote from her head, essence and heart.

‘I’m sorry Sanaa, I Love You but I can’t do this. I can’t be with you. Inti 6ale8. Your divorce papers will reach you tomorrow’

Putting out those lime green heels, she felt her entire being fall into the pit of her stomach. She remembered the constant number of times she tried to contact him but for him to vanish into thin air with no response. She had to face the suspicious looks from everyone around her; the name calling and the talking behind her back. It was looked down upon to get divorced too early but even worse was to get divorced on your wedding night without any explanation to those around. She remembered how long it took for her to move out of bed after what happened. She remembered how she later heard that Hassan went ahead to marry a cousin of his in Sur. She remembered how she got a letter from him right after his marriage expressing how sorry he was and explaining that the reason he divorced her was because she no longer was pure and innocent. She remembered how she vowed not to get married because of him. But then, a clinking of keys awoke her to what was reality. The door opened and it was Hassan walking in with a bag of cinnamon rolls, sandwiches and cups of coffee. Sanaa realized that the day before was real and not part of her fantasy and weird nightmares. Her biggest fear came true; she submitted to the past which came back to haunt her.

Sun & Moon: Chapter Eleven

Walking their usual routine walk out of the library, it was chilly more than usual. Sanaa could see how her sighs would translate into something touchable, a cold white mist which seemed like she just breathed out smoke. She loved to exhale with her mouth, when the weather was cold, the pallid murky warm haze. The horizon looked mesmerizing with the hint of orange lights mixing into the indigo sky and the dark black shades of the clouds heavy with rain. The weather was too cold to bear walking with bare skin; Sanaa tucked her chin under her heavy winter coat and knitted scarf as her warm rainbow fuzzy woolen gloves covered her delicate soft hands. She tried her best to cover up but she was still fragile to the freezing temperatures that she could feel it creeping into her bones. She looked right beside her and couldn’t get how Bastiaan was walking chin high as if it wasn’t cold. He had his leather jacket on with his hands tucked into the side pockets. He was walking as if he was this giant ruling king; so confident, manly with that typical Dutch poise. He could see from the corner of his left eye how Sanaa was looking at him. He tried his level best to ignore the stare of her inviting eyes. He could see how cute the woolen hat looked on her as it covered her ears. She seemed like a small kid looking for a lost puppy. Her big rounded eyes still kept on gazing at him as she got lost in the moment. He breathed in trying to ignore, he didn’t want to ruin the surprise he had for her. It was a make it or break it moment that he didn’t want to spoil. ‘It should be perfect’ he told himself as they passed the romantic calm canal.

Reaching to the big three trees standing tall and wide near their dorm building, he gave in to the temptation; to look deep into the windows of her soul. Sanaa felt exposed and stripped from all the barriers she built against this; to protect her from what would happen. Looking into her eyes, he smiled at her, brightening her already vivid day. He tilted his head to the side as his grin widened to show the only yellow tooth at the very back end of his mouth. She tilted her head mimicking what he did and started showing signs of a coy smile. He tilted his head to the other side and she followed doing the same move; Sanaa felt like her toddler brother who would imitate and replicate everything she would do. With the memory of the fun she had with her brother and the mellowness she felt at that moment, she couldn’t help but let out a laugh. Bastiaan felt his heart skip a beat with the sound of her voice, as he froze taking in the features of her face; the oval shaped face, the long striking Arabic nose, her cleft chin and the long eyelashes contouring her eyes. Walking up to her, he decided that it was the perfect time to confess. He came closer while pulling out his hands from his pocket and hurriedly drew out out an envelope from the inside of his jacket. Clearing his throat, he could see Sanaa trying to figure out what was happening and what the envelope in his hand was all about. ‘So I got you something’ he told her as Sanaa as he showed a nervous simper. He didn’t know if she was the one to like surprises or not. Swallowing in his worries, he let out a anxious laugh as he opened the envelope. He continued as he looked at her ‘I was wondering if you were going to be free this Saturday’ in hopes of getting a positive answer. ‘But why?’ Sanaa asked curiously as she tried figuring out if she had no deadlines to meet. ‘Just answer the question please?’ Bastiaan’s voice came out in a different tone; earnest, persuasive and pleading. She never heard him pleading her for an answer before, she felt mellow and warm. It was the first time in a very long time she felt needed. ‘Yes, yes’ Sanaa replied quickly as he heard his voice that had a hint of hurt had she refused. Content and pleased, Bastiaan grabbed her hand pulling her close as he said ‘Well I have tickets to see Coldplay’ showing her the pair of VIP tickets he held in his hand. Drawing her hands close to her mouth, Sanaa was in shock and dismay. She didn’t know how to react for a moment. Once ecstasy hit her brainwaves at the news Sanaa jumped in a big bear hug over Bastiaan. Shocked at the sense of weight on him, he closed his eyes as he hugged her back. Bastiaan was overwhelmed; he didn’t know if he was supposed to whisper in her ear and tell her how he really felt about her. He didn’t know if the hug was because of being a good friend or potentially the door for something more than that.

It was 1 AM; she was leaning on the wall of the elevator. She was tired, exhausted but happy and overjoyed. It was a day filled with fun, and laughs and talks. Bastiaan made most of her days eventful; she never had a boring day. She smirked as she pulled out the souvenir of the night; a tissue napkin that had a hangman puzzle, which spelt out ‘Coldplay’. She couldn’t wait till Saturday, it was going to be huge; the most fun she has ever had. Her favorite band, her very first concert and her very first time on a train. The elevator doors opened to the 6^th floor, Sanaa carried herself on her tired legs walking across the green and blue hallway. She was still romancing on today as her phone buzzed. ‘Can’t wait for Saturday gorgeous’ it read. She giggled a quiet silly laugh and sighed knowing her bed was soon to be in sight. Taking out her keys from her bag, she looked in front of her door and had her heart stop. ‘Sanaa 7abibti you’re here’ her keys and napkin she held in her hand dropped to the floor.

Sun & Moon: Chapter Ten

Toploader’s ‘Dancing in the Moonlight’ was a familiar melody when she would do her normal chores. The Wurlitzer electric piano tune began as she smiled. The feel good song matched her uplifted mood. Sanaa grabbed her broomstick by force pretending it was a microphone.

We get it on most every night

When that moon is big and bright

It’s a supernatural delight

Everybody’s dancing in the moonlight

The piano hit the keys again generating an elevating piece of music as Sanaa continues to sing along. She twirls and turns, making the funniest rock star moves as she pulls the broomstick wherever she went. She smiles as she closes her eyes and attempts a waltz with the light fiber broom. She imagines his arms around her as they move across the floor. Her bare feet touch the warm blue floor as the warmth of the air carries her; it felt as if she was on a fluffy cloud dancing. She has her eyes still closed as she continues dreaming. His piercing brown eyes looking into her soul as his smile lighten up the room and her being. He comes closer to her that she could smell his aftershave; that scent that made her sure of his existence whenever she got into an elevator or climbed the stairs or simply walked around the corridors and hallways. She took a sway to the left and another to the right, she was still hugging the now flying broom as her skirt twirled exposing the black leggings she had underneath.

Dancing in the moonlight

Everybody’s feeling warm and bright

It’s such a fine and natural sight

Everybody’s dancing in the moonlight

The song faded away as she opened her eyes still finding herself alone with a broom in hand. She laughed out loud at the crazy thought she had; a quick glimpse of how her children would look like, the flawless mixed caramel complexion along with a breathtaking set of teeth and not to forget her eyes. She shook her head dismissing the thought of it ever happening. ‘Laish la? Maybe’ she shrugged her shoulders asserting that slim possibility as she headed to her Kenwood stereo pressing the rewind button. The piano song started yet again playing with the strings of her soul as she grabbed the broomstick and continued imagining. ‘One day’ she said to herself asserting that her dreams would one day come true.

He was struggling to hold his pen steady, but he couldn’t. He was trying to focus and think straight only he couldn’t. Curbing the pain and regret he had inside was distressing and unbearable. Stopping the shivers and cold sweats that haunted him every single night was an ordeal which he failed in. He has been trying to write this letter to her only he wasn’t able to. Moving his chair away, he carried himself to his window. With his fingers making contact with the cold glass, it was like a jolt of electricity ran through his body. He realized how much of a big mistake he did. He regretted getting involved with her after everyone warned him to stay away from her. He felt remorse not because what he heard from everyone was true but because it wasn’t. He remembered how frown lines would gather on her forehead whenever he teased her. He recalled how intoxicating the sound of her voice was, how her big rounded eyes would tell a love story on its own whenever she attempted to hide her true feelings for him, and how a touch of her hand would calm any of his worries and make it disappear. Regret, remorse, guilt and sorrow haunted him. How could he do this to her now? She was happy, jovial and most importantly content with how things are. ‘I have to’ he told himself as he leaned his head towards the glass window. He had to gather his all; he felt exposed, unable to bare it any longer. With a quick insight of how things would be, he was ready to risk it all.  Grabbing his jacket, he left his room and hurriedly shut the door behind him. He was on his way to confess everything.