Musings of Lost Souls: Bashayer

She was rocking in front of the window as she tried to comprehend what happened earlier in the day. The curtains drawn open and only the light of the street illuminating the room she was in. The living room which usually is the most chaotic room of the house was unusually quiet. The house was empty as she rocked herself even harder on the old rocking chair while remorse and regret filled her being. The room was beautifully decorated with antique pieces. The beige golden walls gave warmth even in the dark. The beautiful Persian carpet at the centre gave the room character and the mirrors on one of the walls deceived visitors on how big the room actually was. 'Why?' she kept wondering as she continued rocking.  'Why after all these years?' she asked herself as the self timed air conditioner turned itself on. It was simply just what she needed, cool chilly air to calm her senses down. She looked outside at the quiet neighborhood, not a single soul was outside, with only the swaying of the trees responding back to her questions. It seemed as if she had a conversation with these natural beings as every time she would ask herself a question they seemed to mask her worries and give a firm reply with an even stronger sway each time.  ‘Why?’ she asked this time ignoring the trees and looking at her feet stretched feet on the stool in front of her. She couldn't understand why she had to feel this way; it has been years since she last saw him, why must it always be like this? Why must she always fall to pieces whenever she laid her eyes on him?

Her sniffs and tears turned into sobs and loud cries as she grew angrier at herself. She was angry on how she allowed herself to be in this mess. She was angry at him for not ever confronting her. She was a train wreck without him. She closed her eyes allowing the cold air to console her frail self. She felt guilt creeping in further until there was no escape but to say the truth. But how could she speak the truth? How could she explain what she was going through her mind but keep herself composed? She sighed a deep sigh as she rocked the old green leathered chair even faster in hopes of all of this to go away.

A sudden clicking sound got her to freeze as she heard the keys unlocking the front door. Rushing as quickly as she could in the most subtle of moves, she tip toed to her bedroom, closed the door shut, then hid herself in between the sheets of her fluffy bed and closed her eyes as if she was asleep all along.

The footsteps she could hear were approaching her bedroom. A swish and the door got opened accompanied with the most seductive fragrance of oud mixed with Amouge’s Gold pour homme; her favorite scent of him.  '7abibtiiii I'm home' he said in a gleeful happy voice. In his full fancy policeman uniform he stood like a stud with a gleaming smile but only for his expression to change to a frown. He was taken by surprise when he laid eyes on his wife, all asleep instead of greeting him with the usual welcome home kiss and hug. 'Miskeena 7abibti' he shook his head as he looked at the bronze fancy clock on the wall and realized it was 3 in the morning.

Walking towards the right side of the bed, he took a long glance at the face he wakes up to every morning. He was content with life and its blessings. He loved how chocolate brown her skin was, he loved her curly brown hair, but mostly her cleft chin which he secretly wished their future kids would have. 'If you only know how thankful I am to have you. I love you my angel' he whispered to her sleeping frame and went forward to kiss her on the crown of her head.

She cringed as she felt his lips on her forehead. She felt disgust, pain and sadness instead of a jolt of electricity, love and desire. She was ashamed of herself but couldn't help what she felt inside; Bashayer felt was trapped in a life she didn't want.