No Matter What: Chapter Ten

Stretching her feet out of her blanket as she prepared to sleep, she couldn’t stop thinking about what Shihab asked her. 'So are you still in love with him?' started going through her mind. It was echoing in her ears. The truth was she still wasn't, the wound still felt fresh even though it has been years. He had already moved on while she still remained as the single Fajr everyone knew without any love interests. Her heart was still for reserved fro him. She still loved him though she knew that he might have forgotten about her completely. He was a respectable people’s person, the son every mother wished they had, a successful sports person and the perfect suitor. 'How could he think of me?' she asked herself as she thought about him. She stared at the ceiling as daydreamt of him and how his life must be; a happy lavish life.  She stared at the darkness for what seemed like eternity while her playlist changed to sad ballads. ‘Good night' she whispered to her heart like she did every night crying herself to sleep when they went their separate ways. That night, Fajr dreamt of him as she has done many often times before.

'Can't you stupid ladies see in front of you? Jesus Christ for once at least? For friggin’ ONCE?' he went on shouting and screaming at her. She was mortified by the whole issue and looking at him approaching her so close, she could feel his breath brushing over her oval face from how furious this chap in front of her was. She tried to speak up but she just couldn't. She tried to explain but he never gave her the chance. For once in her life, she felt overpowered and incapable of controlling the situation. She couldn't help but feel ashamed and embarrassed to the pits of her stomach. She couldn't help but burst into tears from how his loud speech, on how careless women are, got to her soul. She felt offended and regretted why she was born a female. She hated being Arab and what being a female entailed. She always accused society but now she couldn't help but accuse herself for her misfits.

'Careless drivers you are' he said as he his hand banged her car bonnet. Fajr crashed into the man's car at the roundabout as she was rushing her way to pick up her brother from work whom owned no car. He was still in the process of getting his own car since he recently came back to the country after long years of being abroad. Fajr didn't pay attention much as she got busy answering her brother's call who was hurrying her. Her brother had to reach the stables nearby because a camel was giving birth. Jawad, a university professor by morning dualled as the head veterinarian in the camels' hospital by noon. Tears were still rolling down from Fajr's eyes but the man was too angry to notice. He was too blinded by rage he failed to see those salty droplets finding their way down her cheeks away from the sunglasses adorning her now red teary eyes. 'Where did you get your license I wonder' he kept on yelling as he called for the traffic police. The cars were both in total damage due to the strong collision of Fajr's Lexus with his Mercedes. As he was reporting the incident to the police operation centre, he moved his eyes to look at her. He spotted her leaning herself to the side of her car as her arms shook vigorously. She started breaking down and crying loudly. He couldn't stand any woman's tears; it was his weakness. He couldn't help but find himself hanging up the phone and walk towards her to comfort her. 'Khalas it's my fault. I should have noticed you rushing but I didn't' his heart took control of his tongue and spoke. 'I'm so sorry, I'll pay for the damage I promise. I'm the defendant and you’re the plaintiff' he carried on. 'I'm so very sorry I hadn't meant to' he continued apologizing just to try to make her stop crying. Fajr astounded by what he said, was certain that she caused the crash. Unable to understand she grew silent; something about him made her calm down. His voice was reassuring and comforting. She removed her shades, wiping off her tears as she gave in to his begs and pleas for her to stop. Pulling out a white and green striped handkerchief from his candy white dishdasha's pocket, 'I'm sorry' he said as he handed it over to her.

... Everybody was kung-fu fighting …
…Those cats were fast as lightning …
… In fact it was a little bit frightening …
… But they fought with expert timing …

… They were funky China men from funky Chinatown …
… They were chopping them up and they were chopping them down ...

The song went on and on for a while then stopped. A few minutes later it went on again, this time it went on longer than before. Her ears were drowned deep by the sounds of loud cars and motorcycles driving off right next to her. She was deep asleep in her own world of fantasy while the phone kept on ringing. Fajr was known to be a heavy sleeper and not even a loud pop would wake her up no matter what the circumstances were. She rested her tired body and slept the entire night peacefully as she dreamt the same dream; the day they first met.

As morning came, the number of missed calls tolled up to 19 and her unread messages were too plenty to note down. Fajr was surprised at the numbers she saw on her phone screen as she stretched out of bed. Sitting by the side of her bed, she decided to go through the missed calls list only to find a strange number was the main source of all 19 calls. She frowned unable to understand but then jolted out of her bed thinking that it might have been Noor. Rushing through her text messages to see, she noted only one repeated message from the same number. Her phone fell to the floor as she froze and started to quiver. It was so unexpected for her to receive such a text. She couldn't believe what she read but managed to pick up her phone to read it again.

‘^{♪☻♫♥♪☻♫♥} Happy Birthday My ₣ajr ^{♪☻♫♥♪☻♫♥}

I Miss You

Love, Ta…'

She couldn't complete reading it. It was too hard for her to take in.

Knock knock…

Jawad's knuckles found their way to Fajr's door.

KNOCK KNOCK…

His knocks started picking up pace and becoming louder until she heard

SLAM SLAM… on her door.

'Can I come in? It's important' he said loudly through the door. 'Just a minute' Fajr told her brother as she shook off what happened from her head and opened the door, 'It's Noor. She's hospitalized' he told his baby sister. Fajr who was still in a state of shock, retreated and fell to the floor. ‘Are you okay?’ Jawad asked worryingly. ‘I’ll be ready in a minute' she got up hurriedly and started going around the room in circles not knowing what she was supposed to do. ‘I have to change’ then it hit her as she pushed Jawad out the door and closed it shut behind her. Fajr wore whatever her hands reached out for and left her room leaving her phone on the bed. It was still open on the birthday message that read…

‘^{♫♪☻♥♫♪☻♥} Happy Birthday My ₣ajr ^{♫♪☻♥♫♪☻♥}

I Miss You

Love, Taimur’

No Matter What: Chapter Nine

The room was dark and freezing cold. The surrounding never gave off a homely cozy feel to it. It felt like a guest room when visitors feel estranged sleeping in a room they aren’t familiar with. She was always insomniac in her room. She hated the stupid green paint her mother chose against her will. It felt as if she was in a surgery ward rather than an inviting cozy bedroom. A tiny dressing table, a single bed that fits a 10 year old, an old A/C unit that kept on leaking, yellow curtains which never suited the paki green color of the room, and a two door wardrobe complimented the room which she had to share with the maid. She slept on the floor on a medical mattress she saved up money for; with a bad case of back problems, she needed it to ease her ailment. The room's fragrance was that of coconut oil, mixed with cheap knock-off perfume scents and body odor. The opening of the bathroom door was enough to let the vapor seep out. Noor was still lying on the floor; unconscious and clueless to the world. It has been a while since she passed out behind the bathroom door without anybody paying her attention. 'Heeey Baghwaaaaaaan*' the maid screamed as she opened the door and noticed Noor’s fragile petit body on the floor with only a towel wrapped around her. She ran down to the family room but then quickly went back to the room. The maid quickly picked up Noor’s praying gown to cover her bare skin and then rushed out of the room to inform Noor's brother. ‘So? Let the whore die, it would be better for all of us’ he said as his eyes twinkled with content. He felt zero remorse for his sister who, in his eyes, brought down shame and disgrace to the family. He was sure that if Noor were to meet her maker then their family status would go back to where it was before; the society of the religious elites would take them back again. Noor’s brother ignored the maid’s screams and pleas and continued playing 'Resident Evil' on his PS3. Hilal, Noor's cousin, heard the maid's begs as he was walking into the pantry right across the family room. He rushed with her upstairs only to find Noor cold to the touch.

The sun was setting and the darkening horizon was captivating. Looking out the window, the beautiful scenery bestowed peace on the onlookers. Red, orange and yellow mixed with the purple and blue. The moon crescent decorated the sky as the sun parted ways with it, sinking down deep under the sea. A volery of birds flew away while the call for prayers went off through the mega speakers of the neighborhood mosque. Fajr rushed to the kitchen to break her fast. She was fasting for an oath she took upon herself. It was when she swore to Noor that she would not allow a petty separation split them up. They would forever remain best friends; in fact Noor was the only true friend her heart would forever cherish. She vowed to fast for two weeks to prove that to her and everyone. She ate the dates that were already served on her plate and drank a glass of laban before she headed over to the bathroom to make ablution and pray.

Knock knock KNOCK...

The door was being knocked.

Bang bang BANG....

The door went on.

She shuddered and nearly slipped from how wet the bathroom tiles were. The hammering on the door freaked her out, nobody ever dared to knock on their house door in that manner before.

Slam slam SLAM...

The knocking series continued.

Fajr's heart was beating so fast she became petrified. All her brothers were at the mosque for prayers. She was all alone. She decided to ignore the scary visitor and go on praying as she still hadn't. The gardener continued knocking and ringing the bell but to no avail, he decided to leave without breaking the news about the ambulance that drove off from Noor’s house to Fajr.

'Is she okay?'

'Yes I'm sure she is'

‘Sure about that?'

'What you don't believe my words?'

'No it's just, well you know…'

'It'll be fine, just keep hold on to faith and it’ll be alright’

'Can I ask you a question?'

'Sure'

'It's a bit private so feel free to ignore'

'Shoot'

A late night SMS conversation between oblivious Shihab and clueless Fajr; they were both lying on their beds with only their phone’s flashing light illuminating their bedrooms as they hold on to their mobile phones close to read each other’s correspondence. Fajr as usual had her earphones plugged in and indulged into classical music, the way she always prepped herself to sleep. While Shihab was still in a mess. Unable to figure out why he felt so nervous and afraid, his feet kept on tapping their way on the bed. Shihab still had this gut feeling that something was wrong so he chose to keep himself busy and occupied for a while, hoping that the feeling would pass and go away.

BEEP… her phone rang and vibrated

'How did you get over him?'

Shihab asked the big question. A question that struck a nerve on her soul, a question that nobody dared to ask; it was a hard question for her to answer. It has been a while since anyone mentioned him. She read it and looked away throwing her phone aside. She didn't want to recall those memories after working hard on erasing what she knew of him. She coped by having positive thoughts about her life and how it would turn out to be. Fajr feared remembering him. She dreaded that a memory of him would suck her back into that deep dark hole again.  But she owed it to her friend to make her other half feel better, so she picked up her phone from the ground and pushed the reply icon.

'I took it one day at a time' she replied short and simple.

A few minutes later:

'I don't think I can move on. I just can’t'

'But Shihab nobody is asking you to'

'It's not easy I'm sure but you had the will and power. I can’t remove her from my life. She is my all'

‘You would never forget but fond memories are what helped me get by through the day'

'So are you still in love with him?'

'I'd be lying if I said I wasn’t. I still do love him but that's in the past now'

'Sorry for keeping you up late and bringing back memories perhaps you didn't want to share'

'Not at all it's okay. Anything for Noori's Shisho ;)'

‘Have a good night Fajr'  

'Thanks you too'
'Sweet Dreams Shihab'

'Same to you J' 

She smiled as she ended the conversation and placed her phone under her pillow. She smiled as she remembered happy glimpses of her past. Fajr was older than both Noor and Fajr and by that she always acted as the loving motherly big sister to them both. Fajr learnt from her past and became an invincible figure to everyone she knew. She might still refuse the idea of love after what she went through but she never gave up on life. She experienced walking past the gardens of butterflies and floating animated hearts only for her to stumble upon poison ivy and sharp thorns. Fajr’s fairytale story was too good to be true that it soon turned to a bitter and sad ending. It was thanks to the enchanted love story she lived that taught her to live life to its fullest. In the end, 'what doesn't break a person makes a person stronger' she thought. 




* Oh My God in hindi

No Matter What: Chapter Eight

Fajr returned home to her siblings. She was the third eldest in a family of orphans. Both her parents passed away in different times of her life. She counted her elder brother who was ten years older as her father figure. She always turned to him for help whenever she felt distressed and astray, so she went to him and talked about what was troubling her. 'I still can't believe a family can do that' she said angrily. 'How do you know they did so?' her brother questioned her judgment. 'I know everything about Noor's family' she answered him firmly as her fingers crawled into her palm and punched the arm chair. 'If that wasn't enough, I've been getting updates on Noor through our gardener' she replied all certain and stubborn as her forehead crumbled into a line of wrinkles while fumes absconded her now widened nostrils. The process of Fajr checking on her friend is a chain reaction which involves a maid, a nanny, a barber, a shopkeeper and finally their gardener.  It starts from Noor’s housemaid who tells the nanny right next door. The nanny then complains to her love interest, the barber, on the injustice of Noor’s family and how they have been ill treating her. The barber who is acquaintances with the shopkeeper informs him on the happenings of Noor’s family household every time one of her brothers or her father walk in for a haircut or shave. Since the shopkeeper and Fajr's family gardener were siblings, the family gardener would then pass on the news to Fajr. 

'God bless foreign workers' her brother laughed making fun of Fajr's witty methods. 'How sure are you that they don't add up more spice to the whole update?' her brother asked her while trying to hold his amusement from the whole affair. 'I don't care all I know is that she isn't happy or coping well with what her family is doing to her' she said as she stormed out gnashing her teeth from anger. Her brother felt guilty for making fun of her when all Fajr was doing was keeping tabs on her now alienated lonely friend. He followed Fajr to her room in hopes of cheering her up. 'I will pray for her problems to vanish and disappear. Trust me she is always in everyone's prayers' he sat next to his sister on the edge of her huge waterbed. ‘Thanks’ she said as she smiled lightly while looking down at her feet. ‘I really hope it goes away’ she said in a very low voice that resembled a whisper. All he could do then was say nothing but hug his sister and comfort her. Fajr felt calm and composed as she rested in her brother’s arms. Holding on to his shirt tight, she secretly wished if she could turn back time; when the definition of life was their laughs, giggles and smiles. She closed her eyes and remembered when it was her friend's gibberish stupid talk that soothed her soul; when it was all sunshine, the beach and love fueling their verve and existence.

He woke up with a jolt, unable to breathe and coughing. 'NOOR' he called out her name. He sensed something was wrong. He always took a siesta nap like everyone else did at home. His heart was racing as he reached to his phone to call her. Dialing her number, it hit him that he couldn't hear her voice. There was no way to know about her, whether she was okay or not. But he still dialed in hopes he may get a dosage of her angelic voice he has been craving for. ‘The number you are calling is out of reach’ was what his ears listened to instead. He hated his inability to do nothing when she was his everything. He wished he took her pain away like he always kept on promising her day in and out. He loathed the fact he couldn’t keep his word. His pinkie pledge was null and void. ‘I promise to keep you safe and sound. I promise to love and cherish. I promise to keep you away from harm’s way. I promise from this day onwards, you will never see pain. I promise to always make you smile’ those words haunted him. The words Shihab said to her on one rainy day as she left the school premises for the very last time. Reaching out his pinkie to hers while his other hand held his loose open turban over their heads, the snapshot of the image jogged into his memory. Her chuckle and shy flushed face as they pinkie swore and wiping her tears, he remembered. A rough day she was going through that day, where her job as a teacher came to an end. A day that marked her as an official prisoner in a place people called home. She bid farewell to the only last thing she had going on for her, her fervor and passion. Only because the male testosterone in the family said so; mixing with men was impermissible and them knowing that she mingled with them in conferences and workshops made her brothers boil and demand for her to quit. ‘Shihab' she paused as she called out his name. Her hand shaking as she held his tightly, she gazed straight into his honey eyes. 'I Love You’ those three words blurted out of her mouth as the thunder added an extra upshot to the moment. The moment Noor first confessed her love to him. 

‘It’s not possible to get in touch with…’ he threw his phone away in frustration and put his hands on his head trying to push out those crazy thoughts he has of Noor being hurt. His thoughts wandered off to even deeper thoughts. He squeezed his head, and closed his eyes shut as he screamed in agony. Abruptly standing up, he rushed to his computer desk and started writing. 'I hope you are okay. I have these crazy thoughts and a deep feeling inside that is similar to a loud thud. Something is not right, my senses and heart is telling me this. But this notepad is just calming me down. I am just panicking you know, after all you are my moon and sun. My sunshine and rain, my breath and water; I am you and you are me.  You are alright and all happy I’m sure; feeling great, smiling, and of course writing to me. I’m just imagining you and your cute chubby cheeks which I'm sure are chubbier since the last time I saw you, that reflection is enough to make me feel at peace.' Shihab finally felt at ease seeing that his heart stopped racing and his breathing pace slowed down. Taking a deep sigh he continued.

'I didn't know how much I'd miss you until you were gone. They say that distance makes a bond stronger and able to conquer everything, and it’s true. I thought I forgot how love was being away from you. But on the contrary, writing to you just made me realize how much I care for you. I thought I forgot what love was and how it would be, how a loving palpating heartbeat sounded, how my distressed heart was saved by you. I thought love was a word on a paper which you write today and erase it the next day. But now, I know I haven’t forgotten, and I know what it means to be in love with you. You are my dream and reality. I love you now more than ever. Hope you are better Noori*’

*An Arabic phrase meaning my light.

No Matter What: Chapter Seven

Dropping the mop, she was all exhausted doing housework. She resembled a scarecrow from how sucked out of life and skinny she was. Cleaning up behind her, she told the maid to  inform everyone that lunch was ready and served. Dragging her tired feet across the nippy kitchen tiled floor to the dining table, she clamped her tired hands on the rim of her chipped off plate with little food on it. Heading towards her room, the place where she had her food away from everyone else like an outcast, she placed her food aside and sighed from the fatigue that overtook her limbs and body.  She felt void and empty as her eyes caught a glimpse of the lucid glass of water poured a few days ago. She looked at it and thought deeply, but dismissed her dark thoughts immediately as she turned her face away. She was hesitant to have a sip; she wanted to drink it but put it on hold to drink it later.  She could drink it when she really needed to quench her thirst; when she couldn’t take it anymore. She could drink it when her cravings for it were too weak to be tamed.

Collapsing on her mattress to rest, she closed her eyes and remembered the smell of the fresh grass, the sounds of the kids playing dodge ball, the music from the loud sound systems from the modified cars of flirtatious lads, and the cold breeze of the air that day mixed with his hot breath brushing on her face. It was the day when it was her happiest. ‘Happy my love?’ his deep husky voice tingled her senses as she shut her eyes tighter reminiscing. ‘You made my dream come true’ she smiled as their foreheads met. An unforgettable sentiment overcame her that she couldn’t deny. A feeling that was one of a kind, it was an adrenaline rush, a zealous eager urge to explore, a merry mirthful state of shock; it was a serene peaceful stroke of happiness indeed. That cloudy lovely day etched in her mind while laying there with her knees drawn to her chest and her arms around them tightly. The memory made her relax as she smiled till her face muscles hurt. But then a jilt over came her as her mind summoned the red and blue, the shouts and screams, the torture and pain; the ill fated tragedy. She got up opening her eyes only to find herself sense she had enough. She had enough of the cold treatment she received. She had enough of this bitter life. She glanced deeply at that colorful glass which contained something that was contrary to vivid, but looked away as she rested her head on her bent knees. Picking up the notepad she hid before she left for her chores, it was still very dark. Noor grew accustomed to the darkness in her room, she found it soothing and relaxing. The idea of sunshine rays hitting the insides of her room was an idea Noor grew foreign to. In the end, nobody cared about her happiness in this large house, she thought to herself. She realized how life was a stupid idea to hang on to. '...there's nothing worth living for in this house. My light has gone and now I love darkness even more. I don't love you anymore.' she wrote down in her notepad after remembering to continue what she wrote in the morning. 'No no I love you. Why did I write that? I really do. Don't listen to her okay? She's just angry that's all.' she was confused; she didn't know what she was writing. She loved him but was convincing herself that without him, it would be better for everyone.  Sitting calmly she closed her eyes and took a deep breathe. Grabbing the glass of water, she knew she needed to douse her desire. She wanted it to have a rest from all the commotion that made her heart seem like a train wreck. She was positive that glass of water was the solution to all her problems. With the glass approaching her mouth, she parted her lips while a tear stroke down her right cheek, she gulped the water in the glass and in a second it was all gone.

Hyperventilating she sobbed and made her way to the shower. The warm water hit her tired fragile body covered with black and blue bruises on all the parts her clothes wrapped. The splatter of the water on her face rinsed off her tears that were more than the water she used to wash herself. For a moment, she forgot her worries and felt refreshed. She forgot where she was and what she was going through. She forgot about the plans she made and aspirations she had. She forgot about everything.  Though getting out of her quick shower, all the worries started sinking in again. The refreshed alleviated emotions crept out and the dark thoughts crawled back to their rightful places. She gazed at the hazy mirror in front of her and remembered everything. Hot vapor was still intoxicating the air as she slammed her hands on the basin under the mirror. She realized and saw daylight; Noor got through her head what she had just done. She apprehended it as silent tears crawled down of her face while she looked at her pale blurry silhouette.  The room suddenly seemed to spin around so fast. A loud sharp sound started alerting her ears; she tried to walk up to the door and cry for help but couldn’t move. She regretted what she had done. She was stupid to see that she loved life as much as she hated it. She struggled to get her feet past a few steps only for her to collapse on the floor breathless. Noor fell unconscious. 

No Matter What:Chapter Six

Previously

-------------------

Noor feared that her mother might have noticed the notepad but luckily she left before she did. She hurried and placed the notepad back inside her bag. Looking through the door to make sure her mom left, she took out something from the side pouch of the bag and placed it in her pocket before she left the room.

'Shihab calling...' her phone flashed

-------------------

She got surprised. Shihab never called her since the famous incident. She got angry and chose to ignore the call. She hated him for trying to call. A few rings later, her heart softened and she remembered how he never meant to hurt anyone. How he was the reason for many happy memories. How he was trying to soothe his wounded heart. Taking out the phone from her pocket, she suddenly felt nervous. She didn’t know how she was supposed to greet him. Her heart skipped a beat hoping that it wasn’t bad news. Her hand shook fretfully as she clicked on the answer button. Clearing out her voice she started to speak but nothing would come out of her vocal cords. Her brain was in alarm failing to send signals for her to speak until she heard him say the five letter word.

- ‘Hello?’

Her heart felt mellow as she sat on the floor cross legged and leaned to the wall. The breeze from the air conditioner of the living room hit right across her face as she arranged her legs and arms in a comfy position on the cold taupe marble floor. Smiling as her uptight body relaxed, she replied with a sweet soft casual,

- ‘Hi’

He paused and remained silent for a while. He was trying to put his thoughts into words only for his brain to deceive him. Gathering up the courage after the silence became an awkward one; he opened his mouth and said,

- ‘I know you wouldn't like me calling you and causing...’

- ‘It's no hassle at all’  she managed to blurt out interrupting his long speech.

- Can I meet you?

- I can do mornings

- Fine by me. See you in an hour?

- Sure

- Okay, see ya.

They never decided on the place because by default they always met at the café where he wrote to his Noor and she wrote to her Shihab. Getting excited she headed over to her closet to choose the clothes that she should wear. Fiddling around, she found the perfect outfit that would go with her morning make-up which she carefully placed next to the clothes. In less than an hour she was all fresh and clean with a tangy spicy whiff scenting the place she walked past; her perfumes were always intoxicating.  She was all set and ready to see him as she clucked away in her heels which enclosed her feet perfectly.

She was calling, he knew from the customized ringtone he set for her as his phone flashed her name in block letters. Picking up to answer with a hello, he got bombarded with her angry screams on the phone,

- 'Where the hell are you?'

- ' I'm on my way. Got stuck in traffic'

- ' Make it fast. I’ve been waiting for ages'

- 'Five minutes tops I promise'

- 'Fine'

She hung up as her annoyed face softened up to reveal a radiant oval face and threw the phone at the large hideous sofa they always lounged at. She was already at the café and ordered her regular; espresso minus the glass of water, just the way she liked it. She was fond of her coffee concentrated and strong; exactly like her personality. She was independent with a big heart. She always kept herself well groomed and had a fierce look on her face that dressed up perfectly with her miss independent personality. Her nails manicured, light brown curls intact, expensive brand clothes perfectly fitted along with her oversized bag and sunglasses. This was Fajr, stylish and breathtaking. Many of Shihab's friends couldn't understand why he got involved with Noor when her best friend Fajr was way more sophisticated and beautiful. But Shihab fell head over heels with Noor because of her down to earth, sweet innocent personality. She always smiled and was so raw and pure that gave off radiance and a glow to her presence which Shihab couldn't deny. She might not be stylish with her outdated shabby sense of style. But to him it was the heart he fell for not the looks.

As her fingers started tapping on the table, a habit she picked up from her father, she started growing out of patience.  More than five minutes have passed and he still didn't arrive, she hated this. A thing she always loathed about her fellow country men; unpunctuality.  She wanted to dial his number only for her to feel a tender brush on her back. 'I told you five minutes and I never disappoint' he said but didn't seem upbeat as he usually did. She looked at him sarcastically 'Errrm technically it's eight minutes my dear so you did disappoint' she smiled but noticed how uneasy and sad he was. He seemed tired and drained. His dishdasha was unbuttoned, his kemma was almost falling off from how far back it was on his head and his beard unkempt.  ‘So how are you?’ she asked and felt like burying herself. How could she ask that? Of course he's not fine. ‘Great you made a fool out of yourself. What a dumb question Fajr. Way to go Fajr' she thought to herself. Shihab took a deep sigh and ignored the question. Sitting on the sofa opposite Fajr he tried to hide his despair with a smile. She smiled back with a plain smile and continued sipping on her now cold espresso. A moment of silent took over the place until he spoke. 'You know?...' Fajr kept her cup down and attended to him. 'It's a first...' he paused lowering his voice. 'It's a first that I see you without...' he cleared his throat unable to complete her name. Her heart went out to him. She knew the pain he was going through. She could relate to the two and how hard it must be for them to act all fine when they aren't. She remembered all those lonely dark nights she cried herself to sleep mending herself to perfection. She felt for Noor's fragile and broken heart.

Fajr and Shihab go way back, they were class mates. Fajr was the girl every guy sorted after, the miss popular type of girl. She was very pretty and with her petite figure and height, she really would have made a career out of modeling if she wanted. Shihab on the other hand was the nerd type who never mingled with anyone. He had braces, spectacles that looked like huge magnifying glasses and oiled up hair like an Indian boy who's mother dashed a pint of coconut oil on his scalp to style his hair. He always wore very short trousers that were too long to be three quarters. His trousers were short enough to show off his socks and a part of his legs above the sock line; hence the nickname Fajr and her friends gave him Mr. Bean. Though they weren't ever close, they never hated each other either. They both later on went on and pursued their higher studies and never saw each other until one day at the beach. The day Noor and Shihab met.

Fajr found herself standing up from her seat and scooting over next to Shihab. It was her gesture to display her offering of a crying shoulder. They sat there in silence for what seemed a century. They stayed quiet with only the background music playing; the café was empty but for the two of them. 'I know I have been distant' Fajr broke the ice and began talking 'and selfish lately' she continued. ‘I too, was hurt in the process. We were like the sisters we never had for each other until it all changed in a span of a day and night.' her voice started to shake and quiver. She missed her best friend, she missed everything they did together but now she was banned from seeing her thanks to Noor's religiously strict family. 'But I'm here now for you and I would never give up on both of you' she placed her hand on Shihab's shoulder blade. Shihab grew shockingly more quiet, the total opposite of what she was used of him. 'Shisho?' she called him by the nickname Noor gave to him; a name that only his late father used on him as a kid. It was pure coincidence that Noor called him that once and he was shocked but never told her until later on. It was a special name with a special effect on his heart.

His head suddenly tilted to her shoulder and a tear managed to drop on Fajr's palm. She grieved for his shattered soul. She shared his sadness and patted his back in an attempt to console him. 'You guys will be together. You guys are meant to be.' she said in confidence. His eyes were red and tired, puffy with dark circles that seemed they were soon going to invade his cheeks. His hazel brown eyes weren't even noticeable anymore; they only seemed to give off the feeling of torture, frustration and pain. Fajr couldn't help but pat him on his back in hopes she could ease the pain. 'Do you think Noor is okay?' he asked her as her heart raced. She didn’t know what to tell him about her. Should she tell the truth or resort to lying? What should she say? Shihab asked a question that was tough for her to answer. 'Of course…’ she paused. ‘Of course she is’ she smiled deceivingly as he looked her right in the eye.  ‘I'm sure she is. Our darling is brave' she reassured him as her pats on his back started pacing up. Her smile soon disappeared when he turned his face away. A white lie she told him. It wasn't true. Noor was having a tough time but how could Fajr tell him that? She couldn't. She wouldn't. She mustn't. 

No Matter What: Chapter Five

Previously

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The FM Radio tuner was set to 90.4 English FM, and she knew that she would listen to something that was an indication that he was fine. Then she heard it, the song that made her heart stop; 'Touch My Hand'. She became hysterical and laughed her first laugh in a very long while. She laid on her tiny mattress as she sighed and increased the volume to the max. Shutting her eyes, she let the music take her to the memory they both shared.

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'And this dedication goes to the beautiful lady in pink' was the deep voice of the MC in a crowded beach. All those who wore pink started questioning if it meant them. The MC just shook his head at each and every lady that looked his way while pointing to themselves. He had a specific girl in mind and hoped that she would notice. Turning back to the DJ, he headed over to him, so he could point out to that one particular girl. It was the DJ who was interested in the lady in pink. She was simply stunning in his eyes. Olive skin, beautiful smile and pure elegance shone from her persona. He kept on pointing at a hijabi girl in a pink and white summer dress with her pink sandals held in her hands. It was a Friday afternoon in Muscat Festival's beach location and the atmosphere was electrifying; bright summer colors adorned everybody, colorful kites of different shapes decorated the sky, parachuters and sky gliders were descending to greet the onlookers, and jet-skis and sailing boats were out at the sea. The entire place was lively and vibrant. It was a perfect day for a family picnic or a girl's day out. Beach volleyball, beach football, and a 4 o'clock concert were events set to begin soon and all those girls in pink were still figuring out who the MC's dedication was meant for. 'C'mon lady in pink look over here. The DJ is dedicating it to you' the MC said as he shook his head in denial for a girl who came forward. The search was still ongoing until Noor's friends noticed the DJ locking his eyes on her. 

'Noor it's you. It's you. The DJ meant you' her friends shrieked. 'Who?ME?' Noor exclaimed and pointed to herself in an awe. The DJ, now seeing Noor being grabbed and pulled by her friends while pointing towards his direction, came forward. 'Yes you' he took the microphone from the MC and spoke out loud on the microphone. Noor still was in denial 'No it can't be me, let's just go away from here' she suggested to the girls. Her friends made a whole issue about it forcing Noor to walk past the podium to see if she really was the lady in pink. Seeing how the entire staff at the podium were eyeing Noor made her friends and everyone sure it was her. Noor couldn't help but giggle while crimson red flushed her face; she felt embarrassed, shy yet somehow special. It was the first time someone made an intrepid move on her. 'So can I?' he asked but this time covering the microphone in the process and screaming it out. 'Can what?' she gathered the courage and spoke as she leaned forward. He pointed to the cue phrase of the song 'Touch My Hand'. Noor raised an eyebrow in surprise then hid her face from shyness. She wasn't that type of girl. It was the very first time her parents actually allowed her to go out on her own without an escort of her elder brother siblings. It was so out of place and unfamiliar for her; it didn't feel right at all. Her friends started convincing her to go ahead but she was hesitant. His look was a devious one that made her cringe a bit; she felt like a cat on a hot tin roof. 'C'mon how many times would you have such a chance?' her girlfriends started pushing her towards him. 'Plus like the song said, he'll never see you again' Fajr, her best friend and most stubborn out of them all, nagged. 'This is sooo romantic' Sarah her hopeless romantic friend sighed. 'Give it a try, there's no harm in that no?' Maha, the clumsy carefree one told her. 'And yeah shhh don't worry we won't tell a soul' Abrar the quiet one out of the lot whispered. She felt an adrenaline rush pumping her up, she didn't know what she was doing but it felt like it was worth it. 'Okay okay but errrm it’s only a quicky and if he does anything...' Noor got interrupted 'We know. We know, we'll make a scene and bring in the cops.' they all said squealing. Noor still had second thoughts. Should I go? Should I risk it? her heart thudded as she took baby steps forward.  'For God’s Sake, just GOOO' Fajr and Sarah said in unison pushing the small of her back. 

Noor freed herself from her friends’ pushes and shoves to start walking ahead faster with a nervous grin drawn on her face. She walked further till she reached the podium for her to see him approach her. He was tall with a well-defined physique quite like the way Noor dreamt her prince charming to be. She smiled even wider as she reached out her hand while he was reaching out his. And their hands finally touched on the last cue of the song. He held her hand for a little bit too long than expected until she freed herself from his big masculine tanned hands. She giggled shyly as she backed off slowly. He was infatuated by her in an instant, a wonderful smile paired with a cute face, red flushed cheeks and mesmerizing coffee brown eyes; the perfect definition of innocence. He was in a dream, he thought to himself but he wasn't. He noticed that she was now turning her back to him, he wanted to say something. ‘C’mon say something man..!! Anything, anything at all’ he told himself but his tongue was tied in a knot. He was lost for words for the very first time. 

‘I was mesmerized from that day onwards. You were breathtaking and I never thought that in a million years you would agree to touch my hand. But ‘Lo and Behold’, you did and I became hooked ever since. I want nothing else but to be with you’ he wrote for her on the white lined paper of the notepad as his order was called out. He grew so used to the order that he now would most happily have the two combinations, which he forever complained about, in a heartbeat. He would gulp the chunks of quiche and wash it down with the turtle mocha drink so rapidly so as to get back to writing to his beloved.  Even though, it wouldn’t be mailed to her and she would not receive it, he always wrote every single day since the last day he saw her. They promised each other irregardless of what happens, they would still scribble down their feelings to each other. ‘No Matter What’ he remembered her words as he frantically realized that he never checked for the post-it today. He got up from his seat and started searching around the corners of the hideous lazy lounge sofa in search for it, but he didn’t find it. Panic alerted his brain and limbs only for him to not find it. He began checking under the coffee tables and sofas all around only for him to still remain empty-handed. The people outside looking at him through the glass window found his attitude bizarre. The busy café flooded with coffee lovers also found him to be going crazy. Shihab went on a full sweep search mode while his heart raced and his mind got swamped with worrying thoughts. ‘Please God help me find it’ he started pleading under his fast breathing pace. ‘This can’t be happening’ his limbs and every single inch of his body and soul kept on screaming. He loved Noor too much and refused to let the idea of her getting hurt sink in. He went on searching and looking at every corner of the coffee place until a cold tap on his shoulder sent gilts down his spine. He stopped what he was doing and froze. It was the café manager behind him and he had a sad hurt look on his face. He knew what Shihab was going through. He knew everything about Shihab and Noor’s story. The story that made everyone who heard about it ache and pray for them. Their ‘No Matter What’ story was known to everybody who was dearly close to them and the manager was no exception. A long silence overtook the café as onlookers tried to listen in. ‘Shihab’ he took a long pause ‘It’s Friday’, the manager uttered those words and repeated them as he patted Shihab’s back for comfort. It then hit him and he collapsed on the floor with his head resting on his hands. How could I forget? He wondered to himself as he thanked the manager for informing him. He hated himself as he cursed under his breath but then sighed in relief that she was still okay.

The clock struck 11 AM, she was awake but didn't want to move from bed. She wanted to lay there and not do anything. She felt tired and exhausted. She was hungry and famished too but she refused to get up. Her heart and brain told her to stay in bed in the dark and she rightfully obeyed. Reaching out for her mp3 player, she placed the earphones in their rightful place in her ears, switched it on for a playlist of sad songs to play. She didn't want to snap out of her sadness; her mood for these past few months. She not only lost Shihab but lost Fajr too; her best friend who meant the world to her. Being called a fluke and mistake by her parents, being the only girl in the family of eight, she felt like an outcast. She never really enjoyed her life until Fajr & Shihab came into the picture. She wept and wept missing her now alienated friend. 'Why dear God? Why do I have to go through this?' she asked as she tried to hide her cries from being heard. Drowning herself into one of the big fluffy pillows she had, she cried louder shedding off all her pain that she has caused everyone. 'If I never existed none of this would have happened' she thought. She stayed on her tiny mattress which she calls her bed as darker and darker thoughts kept on creeping into her mind. She hated the pain she caused everybody. She hated that she was born in a family that never cared about her. She hated feeling a liability to people who wouldn't appreciate her. But now, she knew what she wanted to do. She was certain. ‘This is it’ she said to herself and lifted her petite body from the mattress. She got up and went over to her bag where she hid her notepad and started jotting down her thoughts to him. 

'Shihab, you are the light and always have been the light. You lighted my heart in a way that I would forever be thankful. Because of you I was better and felt better. I felt invincible from everything else. You empowered me, not even a fly would hurt me. I was super woman for a while. But now...' she couldn't complete what she wanted to tell him. She was choking on her tears, cut out off of air. She couldn't breathe. She cried till hiccups found their way. She couldn't write it. She couldn't say what she was planning to do. 'Get yourself downstairs and start cleaning' her mother walked in to see her in a state she labeled as pathetic. Noor feared that her mother might have noticed the notepad but luckily she left before she did. She hurried and placed the notepad back inside her bag. Looking through the door to make sure her mom left, she took out something from the side pouch of the bag and placed it in her pocket before she left the room.

'Shihab calling...' her phone flashed