No Matter What: Chapter One

Opening her notepad she sat down writing all that came flowing in her mind. She was bedazzled by what has happened to her these past few months. She didn't even know how to start. 'Dear Diary' she began writing but struck it out. She remembered it wasn't her diary; in fact it was the first time in years she actually picked up a pen to write down meaningful hearty stuff. She grew too foreign to pen and paper with all those gadgets being around her for what has seemed to be ages. 'Dear Diary' she started writing down again on the blank page, but then scrapped it out. ‘Should it be a diary or shall it not be?’ was a question that startled her. She didn't know for sure why she decided to write, 'Why exactly today?' she wondered to herself. 'Why not sooner?' she wondered deep down her soul. 'Because I feel like it today, because I am overwhelmed with so much that I don't know how to function anymore. Merely because I feel choked and suffocated; I am LOST.' She went on writing then stopped surprised on how the flow of black ink on the freshly white paper felt; ever so smooth and relaxing. A grin drew upon her face, one that disappeared from her face months ago from all the despair and hurt. She grinned as she kept on writing; writing she thought was her safe haven and her drug for now. Writing numbed out all the pain; it was her ultimate dosage of morphine  

‘So I am scribbling down on this piece of paper not knowing what the future holds. I am writing for all those reasons I began my first sentences with. I feel lost and sad. I don't know how I can ever be able to describe how I actually feel here but all I know is; I am feeling much better already. With no friends or siblings to turn to, I chose you, my dearest notepad, to share with you what makes me in such a weak situation.’ She wrote and wrote.

‘Throughout all my life I always thought that patience would lead to greatness. That God would reward me by taking me to a paved road after walking on a rough jagged bumpy track. I was disappointed to see that my fate was always destined to be on that uneven path; my trip on the fast smooth lane was only a momentary thing. 

     I was never the ultimate girl that people always turned to when they were facing all sorts of problems. I was and will always remain that hurt girl who was blamed for everything, the girl that hid her problems and chose to stay in in in in …’ the ink of the black flowy pen ran out. 

Reaching out to her bag, she pulled out another pen and went on ‘…in the dark meadows.’ she frowned as she wrote; the pen was blue in color and didn’t give off the feel it did when she wrote with her previous pen. Choosing to ignore this mishap she carried on writing ‘But hey, you always wake up each day taking a chance on making your life and day a much better one. Then you forget yourself and go astray only to find sharks who would do anything to see you tremble in fear and crushed. It hurts and makes you wish you could take back the days, hours, minutes and seconds where you went wrong, but that would never happen would it?.' 

    'And Shisho?' she took a long pose thinking about him with tears rolling down her eyes. 'Well...' she continued putting her pen on paper 'he's just suffering along with me. I am in pain that refuses to go away and I can hardly imagine what he is going through.’ she sighed from the agony.  ‘Being apart like this wasn't how I pictured it to be. Heck I never in a million years thought of the worst case scenario. Shiha...'

                                   

She dropped her pen from the surprise of hearing 'One mocha cooler and caramel cheese cake' from the barista. She was at her favorite café pouring down her thoughts and feelings. She stood up to get her tray only for her to see her brother staring at her from far. Her heartbeats started palpating so fast as if she was doing something wrong. ‘I'm just having coffee. It’s nothing to panic about' she calmed herself down. As she reached out to the tray, she found her hands shaking from the nervousness that hit all of a sudden. Being a frequent customer there, the barista offered to bring her order to where she was lounging. 

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