Musings of Lost Souls: Bashayer

She was rocking in front of the window as she tried to comprehend what happened earlier in the day. The curtains drawn open and only the light of the street illuminating the room she was in. The living room which usually is the most chaotic room of the house was unusually quiet. The house was empty as she rocked herself even harder on the old rocking chair while remorse and regret filled her being. The room was beautifully decorated with antique pieces. The beige golden walls gave warmth even in the dark. The beautiful Persian carpet at the centre gave the room character and the mirrors on one of the walls deceived visitors on how big the room actually was. 'Why?' she kept wondering as she continued rocking.  'Why after all these years?' she asked herself as the self timed air conditioner turned itself on. It was simply just what she needed, cool chilly air to calm her senses down. She looked outside at the quiet neighborhood, not a single soul was outside, with only the swaying of the trees responding back to her questions. It seemed as if she had a conversation with these natural beings as every time she would ask herself a question they seemed to mask her worries and give a firm reply with an even stronger sway each time.  ‘Why?’ she asked this time ignoring the trees and looking at her feet stretched feet on the stool in front of her. She couldn't understand why she had to feel this way; it has been years since she last saw him, why must it always be like this? Why must she always fall to pieces whenever she laid her eyes on him?

Her sniffs and tears turned into sobs and loud cries as she grew angrier at herself. She was angry on how she allowed herself to be in this mess. She was angry at him for not ever confronting her. She was a train wreck without him. She closed her eyes allowing the cold air to console her frail self. She felt guilt creeping in further until there was no escape but to say the truth. But how could she speak the truth? How could she explain what she was going through her mind but keep herself composed? She sighed a deep sigh as she rocked the old green leathered chair even faster in hopes of all of this to go away.

A sudden clicking sound got her to freeze as she heard the keys unlocking the front door. Rushing as quickly as she could in the most subtle of moves, she tip toed to her bedroom, closed the door shut, then hid herself in between the sheets of her fluffy bed and closed her eyes as if she was asleep all along.

The footsteps she could hear were approaching her bedroom. A swish and the door got opened accompanied with the most seductive fragrance of oud mixed with Amouge’s Gold pour homme; her favorite scent of him.  '7abibtiiii I'm home' he said in a gleeful happy voice. In his full fancy policeman uniform he stood like a stud with a gleaming smile but only for his expression to change to a frown. He was taken by surprise when he laid eyes on his wife, all asleep instead of greeting him with the usual welcome home kiss and hug. 'Miskeena 7abibti' he shook his head as he looked at the bronze fancy clock on the wall and realized it was 3 in the morning.

Walking towards the right side of the bed, he took a long glance at the face he wakes up to every morning. He was content with life and its blessings. He loved how chocolate brown her skin was, he loved her curly brown hair, but mostly her cleft chin which he secretly wished their future kids would have. 'If you only know how thankful I am to have you. I love you my angel' he whispered to her sleeping frame and went forward to kiss her on the crown of her head.

She cringed as she felt his lips on her forehead. She felt disgust, pain and sadness instead of a jolt of electricity, love and desire. She was ashamed of herself but couldn't help what she felt inside; Bashayer felt was trapped in a life she didn't want.

Sun & Moon: Chapter Three

Swallowing the very last milk drops which tasted sweet, exquisite and simply delicious, she surveyed around the room deciding where she should sit and start unpacking. She was determined to fill the empty room that looked strange and unfamiliar to become something refined, chic and with class, exactly the way she was. She settled for the end corner right under the window. The view was exquisite from the sixth floor of her dorm room. The trees in harmony with the wind seemed as if they were singing a lullaby to calm her down. She smiled overlooking the breathtaking view of the empty streets lit with dim street lights beaming on the pavement and doors of the various houses across where she lived. The houses which many had its curtain drew open allowed her to view some of what happened in them. A couple snuggled up in front of the TV as they chuckle and enjoy each other's company, the bachelor who was making himself supper, the family man who was helping out his spouse in bringing in the left over plates into the sink, and the semi nude old man who was feeling comfy on his bed. It made her feel at ease knowing that people everywhere weren't so different. Making herself warm as she leans on to the heater underneath the window, she decided that this was the perfect place to begin unpacking, with her back right on the heater. It would give her the warmth she missed from her family, the heat from the sun she was used to and the comfort of talking to an old friend.

Unlocking the first bag, it all contained essentials her mother thought she had to have; a bag of rice, a bag of sugar, a dozen deodorants, two big tupperware filled with grounded spices, a two year supply of dishwashing soap, fabric softener, toothbrushes, 2 minute noodles, cereal and an endless amount of ration items that would fit inside the biggest Delsey suitcase you can imagine. She shook her head and smiled while placing all of them in the kitchen cupboards, which seemed to fill up beautifully taking away those empty spaces. Soon enough her life would fill up the same way, she thought to herself.

As the hours passed by, and 5 suitcases later. She managed to unpack everything and placing them in their rightful places. From dried canned food, to home warming items to lingerie and clothes; they were all done. One suitcase was left, and that was the one she dreaded opening the most. Seeing her small dorm room, she knew that they wouldn't really fit as everything else. 'They won't fit in these built in shelves' she said as if someone could hear her. Placing her hands on her waist, she tried to think hard but for only one solution to come up her head; to sort them the best she could and deal with it later.

Pouring the only mug she had with tap water, she quickly gulped it all in one go and managed to focus her attention on the unpacking process. Touching the hard surface of the plastic, she felt shivers come across her. She really didn't want to open it and face the reality of what happened and why she was here, but then she had to. Pushing herself forcefully to open the bag, she found what she dreaded. It was the shoes suitcase, the bag which held all of her proud possessions; those breathtaking and yet painful heels, the comforting flats, the cute ballerinas, the trendy trainers and the complimenting wedges. They were all in there waiting to be picked and worn. Her eyes sparkled and fluttered at the site of them. She forgot she had that red pair of boots and opted to wear them on the spot. But then her eyes lay on the glittery multi-colored converse pair and forgot all about the boots. Removing the boots, she hurriedly picked the converse shoes up and shoved her feet into them. But then she got distracted by the Zara classic black pumps and rushed to have her feet savor the sensations those shoes gave her. In a while, she had shoes of different colors and different styles covering her entire floor. But now she drew to a pause. She had emptied all the shoes but for one particular pair. Looking at the suitcase, she saw a brown recycled bag resting at the far left corner. Her heart sank in its place as her eyes started to seem glassy and lifeless. Her hands shivered as her breathing became shallower. It was all those memories haunting her back.

In a final attempt to get her courage altogether, she managed to yank the bag and tear it to reveal her most expensive pair. Holding them in her arms, she refused to lay her eyes on them, she couldn't handle reality. ‘You have to’ she told her aching soul while struggling to with her heart. Taking a very deep breathe, she decided to look at them; those sparkly Swarovski studded shoes, which anyone would say they were the perfect pair for her cute little size 36 feet. But she couldn’t help but feel pain, danger, bitterness and grief. Collapsing to the floor, it all became clearer as she remembered how happy she was a couple of years ago. The images of those sparkly shoes, adorning her beautifully freshly waxed tanned legs decorated with amazing henna, made her cry from heart ache and pain. She felt her head pounding as she pressed on the temples of her head and closed her watery eyes. She could still smell the dahn el oud and perfumes that mixed with her body scent. She recalled the heavy smoky bukhoor that filled the room and the smiles that she got from everyone as she turned to look at them. She reminisced on the white and coral flowers that she picked so very carefully to match with her outfit, and remembered how she looked and gussied herself at the mirror, appreciating the light makeup she chose to highlight her natural beauty; the simple black Arabic eyeliner with soft coral eye shadow and slight shimmering gold bordering her eyebrow, the peach blush that settled flawlessly on her cheeks and nose, her nude lips with a hint of gloss, which matched perfectly with her all lemon green traditional Omani outfit. Everyone was in celebration as they moved to the dance floor while she sat on the coral peach chair which she heard people praising how she and the chair made the perfect combo; a masterpiece. 'No, no noooo' she cried out as she rested her back to the heater. She refused to remember why she was unhappy. She refused to admit and remember the reason she got into depression. 'NOOO' she screamed at the top of her lungs and grabbed her trench coat to head for a breath of fresh cold air.

Black, lonely, sad and cold is how the weather was like, just exactly the way she felt. She needed the warmth of family members more than anything. She was homesick and never gave what she was feeling a thought when she decided to come here. Placing her cold hands into the pockets of the trench coat she started to pace up to warm her freezing petite body. It was overwhelming how life was so empty and dull here in comparison to how it was back home. She was used to seeing shops open at night, the cars filling the streets with their red tail lights, the people flooding the malls and enjoying a snack, the kids running around in those Sindbad amusement parks all over the city. But over here, it was the opposite; all quiet, empty and shops closed at sunset until the next morning. She was almost beginning to lose her sensations in her legs when she passed by a group of restaurants that were open near the market place. Heading inside she opted to have a hot drink before she headed back home. 'Warme chocomel met slagroom’ she told the waiter as he seated her at a table near the stairs leading to the second floor of the restaurant. 

There was plenty of noise coming from upstairs making her feel somewhat at home. She missed those sounds and noises which she almost always lived with; the sounds of her brothers fighting over the PS3 console, or her mom's shouts on why the house is always a mess, or even her dad's occasional yells when he sees that her outfits are too tight. She smiled as she enjoyed the sounds while sipping her hot chocolate topped with a scoop of whipped cream, garnished with some cinnamon powder, and accompanied with a piece of cookie resting at the saucer beside her warm cup. The aroma consoled her wounded soul, and the ambience played with the strings of her heart. Sighing out of relief, she finally felt like home. 

No Matter What: Chapter Three

'I crossed my heart and vowed to write to you, but it's hard. It's something I have never done before for anyone in my life' writing down he heard the barista's voice, he carefully placed his pen beside the now closed notepad as he progressed to the front counter. The barista called out for 'One turtle mocha and chicken quiche’. Heading to get his order, he remembered how an additional order for a caramel cheesecake and mocha cooler would accompany his order always. He smiled as he took a walk down the corner of 1st & love of reminisced memories. The sad soft voice stating he’ll be missed, being told off for not replying back and finally a smile and giggle was the ritual he had to go through to get his meal, but now that ritual was no more.  He rushed back with his coffee and quiche trying to find words to express his jumbled emotions only for him to struggle. How could he explain something that she already knew? He pondered wondering about the thought, but soon picked up his pen, uncapping it and started writing on the crisp white paper.

'Funny how I am so used to seeing twos of everything; two mugs of coffee, two plates of food, the two of us.’ He paused as he remembered the canvas of her face, that cute little nose of hers, her random stupid dance moves and the sound of her giggles. He couldn’t help but laugh at the image he had of her in his head. She was all that and more. She was the one that stole his heart and kept it with her for keeps. But now all he does is sit there with the coffee beans aroma filling the air carrying a heart that was returned back to him broken and impaired. 

‘I am here having what you would always order. I can never understand how you can have a rich salty quiche coupled with a very sweet mocha drink. I guess I am getting used to it though, since I have it almost everyday. I miss you and miss everything about you. Every place I would drive by reminds me of you. I shared with you too much that all I do now is just stay home or visit this coffee place. Something about this place has a soothing effect; knowing that you sat at this very chair writing for me earlier makes me feel closer to you. I know it’s a slim chance to lay my eyes on you but I would live off that hope with every single breath I take. You have become my life, my existence, my own self. How can I not have you here with me? This, I find hard to comprehend. But you were here and that is more than enough for my heart to feed off from. Who am I kidding? You are still far away. I try to act all brave and strong for you but it’s shattering me to pieces’ he carved the sheet with his confused feelings; he felt he was about to lose his mind. He couldn’t understand why they were not meant to be when his insides told him otherwise. He was going insane; he needed her but knew it was impossible. Struggling to feel what he felt next, he gulped the mocha drink down his throat as he squeezed his fingers onto the pen, ‘Without you I am dead. I miss you N…'

'Ahleen boss? Mu 5abar? Long time no see ya5i'* a friend of Shihab interrupted the moment his soul shared with his notepad. He simpered widely in an attempt to hide his drowning teary eyes, greeting his friend who he hasn't seen in months while closing the pad shut for him to write some other time.


* 'Hey man? What's up? Long time no see bro'